A Turban a Day keeps the Racist away.

Been from the north and having spent three years in Carlisle(probably the most incomprehensibly racist place I have ever been, only second to Wigan) its fair to say I have been around my fair share of racist comments and general abuse.

Been in London is so different.

Every day since I have got here I must have heard atleast three different accents and come across so many different views and things I never really got to experience at home. I must say, im liking it. It adds a different feel too every day life.

Now im not going to sit here and say that I have never enjoyed racist jokes or ever been stereotypical and im not denying that it ever goes on but its just nice to see so many different people and so many different cultures and so many ways of life all getting along with life.

Someone should really explain to northern people who are scared of it all that its not too bad.

Lewis

Another stupid company name...

Holmes and Daughters Funeral Directors.

Surely no one who has been burying a daughter has ever used this funeral directors? Probably because they have burst out crying and started breaking down before they have even got through the door. Way too bring them feelings roaring back.

They are instantly cancelling out a quarter of their market here, idiots.

Daughters burying daughters is just weird.

Lewis

So you wanna work in a shop in London but your worried because you dont speak a word of the queens? Well dont be, because neither does anyone else.

I am liking my very descriptive titles for my blogs at the moment.

This recent one comes from yesterdays expedition to the shops in Ealing. Dont judge me on the shops I am about to describe, you would do the same in my financial circumstances.

So first, Wilkos, Cheap and Cheerful shop with the most agonisingly painfully long cues thats enough to make you contemplate going into Boots next door and buy everything you have in your basket for double the price. When I finally got to within three people of the front of the cue I started picking up on the conversations between the lady on the till and her current customer. Now this till lady was in way to happy of a mood which was obviously a false face that was put on to compensate for english been only, at a guess, her 4th or 5th language. I hate people who are too happy, it really fucks me off, especially when you know its bullshit as she is working in Wilkos. No one can be this happy all the time. To make things worse it was the only line out of all the tills with the option of buying a lottery ticket(another thing I hate, its only second to the premier league in giving stupid people millions of pounds for actually doing very little) so this women was also trying to get us to buy anything to do with the lottery, in which there are about 17 different fucking games she has to ask you about.

The women she was currently serving was English. I didnt work out what the till ladies nationality but judging by her broken accent it was anywhere east of Germany. A pointlessly painful conversation ensued.

The next person to be served had obviously realised what nationality the till lady was and had a fluent conversation(which to my anguish seemed to put her in an even happier mood that she had previously been) which thankfully ended all too swiftly. The women next and also infront of me was also from the same part of the world and they chatted away like the best of buddies.

Now it was my turn for the painstaking ordeal of trying to buy something in London when your only language is English. I said hello as happily as I could muster and refused her offer of a bag politely. She then went through the extensive list of lottery opportunities I had to turn down, by the end of it I sounded like I was been tortured "no, no, no, no, no". I then messed up the card payment about three times by putting the card in too early, which was annoying as she kept saying it was ready. I probably got charged loads of times and the money either went home to her family or to some underground wilkos based drug scene.

My next shop in me living the London Highlife was Iceland for some good old frozen chicken and that nice bread that needs baking for like 5 minutes before you eat it.

Since I knew what I wanted this was a rather painless ordeal and after a few minutes I was ready to join the cue. Which in truth was not hard to do, since from almost any point in the shop I could have turned 90 degrees and I would have, at some point, touched a part of the cue. A saturday afternoon in one of the cheapest places to buy food and theres only one small asian girl on the counters serving customers, shocking. It took me 2 minutes to get my things, it took me almost 15 minutes to get served. Unbelievable.

Although this girl was almost certainly English and there was none of the language barriers of the previous shop. She was actually quite good looking too. I seem to have a thing for Indian girls since moving to London. Looks like ill be buying more frozen chicken and bread.

Lewis

Thin bin bags piss me right off.

The title says it all really. For anyone who has to deal which such pathetic products on a daily basis like me will realise the truth in what I am saying. What is the point of making a bin bag when everytime I pick the little bastards up out of the bin they stay where they are and I just end up with two little rips of liner in my hands and no rubbish. Then to make things worse, when you do manage to coax the twats into coming out of the bin theres no bag left in which to tie a knott, so you end up doing it around your little finger with a knott so small its never going to hold... and it doesnt because as you go to pick it up it rips again and sits on the floor mocking you, probably about your weight.

If your going to trust your waste to such vessels then please do not buy waffer(if you want the correct pronunciation of waffer click here) thin bin bags. Buy the big thick heavy duty black bastards.

Lewis

Stupid names for companies and how it amuses me(atleast)

So, been doing alot of walking and alot of staring into space while driving and I have noticed a couple of really stupid names for companies, thought id share them with you...

First one - Access Self Storage.

Now this is a really shit name for a company which you are intending to trust your belongings too. In fact I would go as far as saying that the number one thing you would be looking for in a good self storage company would be the inability for anyone to access your stuff while your leaving it there. Otherwise, if accessibility is what you are after whilst you are on your 'year out' you might aswell just box it up and leave it on the street with a note on it saying 'fragile - handle with care'.

To make things worse, heres the logo

The box is fucking open on the logo!!!!! Who's been in my shit? Im sure I gaffered the bastard shut when I left it?

Fucking clueless some people. It really annoys me that someone got paid to do this shit.

Company 2 - General Demolition.

Fuck me, I think this one is worse. If ever in life you would like something to be specific, I assume it would be when your paying someone to demolish something. Just the meaning of the name is enough to make you shit yourself that something is going to go wrong.

I understand that the thinking behind it is probably meaning that they will demolish anything you pay them to do but for me the meaning just comes across all wrong. Im having visions of a man turning up with a sledge hammer and some explosives and using both to equal effect.

Their logo is nothing to be made fun at but they are a real company, you can see here, and a big company at that by the looks of things. Its amazing that they are so big yet no one has ever turned around and gone "mate, thats a shit name that".

Finally - shit advertising.

Theres a greggs in brentford near where I work and on a regular basis it teases me with its advertisements in the windows and smells of cakes and pies coming out the door, as if to say "come'ed fatty, weve got it all in here" but I have also noticed some really shit adverts in their collection too.

One of their signs says 'Greggs - Ready when you are'. I can assure you this is a lie. When im on earlies and im walking past at about 5.30 the stupid women is never fucking ready. After walking the 2 miles from home I am gagging for an apple turnover by the time I get there and she just mocks me with her look as she is placing the cakes in their stands for the days business. Whore.

The second thing I have picked up on is one of their adverts which says 'Greggs - The home of fresh baking' and accompanied a picture like this -

Now im no Delia Smith in the kitchen but even I know that isnt fucking baking. Thats making a sandwich. Thats getting some bread and filling it with tuna. You also not its not baked on site in the morning because its not got the texture of a fucking brick.

What they should have put along with this tuna sandwich is 'Greggs - NOT just the home of fresh baking'. Idiots.

Conclusion -

People in advertising are stupid.

N.B - Since the success of my viewing ratings since I put rude words in my tags I will be using that ploy again as thankfully there are enough weird men out there that google this shit.

Lewis

So, its been a while. BORING UPDATE BLOG.

Well, as the title suggests this will be a bit of an update blog so I am sorry if its a bit shit and drags on and on and on. I have been pressured into this a bit by the torrent of constant abuse from freeman to stop neglecting my blog.

So, if you have had your head up your arse for the last few months or I dont really talk to you anymore(wether that be a good thing or a bad) I am now living in London. This unprecedented turn around in my life came because someone was nice enough to give me a job which I could not afford to turn down. So at ten days notice my life was in a bag and luke and adams couch beckoned(for what turned out to be a lengthy stay).

My second night in London provided us all with the most bizarre evening. Luke wanted us all to go to this houseparty as he had a girl waiting for him who was 'in the bag' already(she was from wigan of all places) so we went along. When we got to the party I dont think any of us could believe it. There was five of us and seven of the hottest women ive ever seen in the same building. It was like someone was staging a reality tv show and we where the joke. The party promised good things but never delivered on any of them sadly as the girls almost certainly didnt drink enough.

My first few weeks of work and subsequent few weeks spent on my friends couch provided to be a really interesting and highly entertaining time. Including one of the unfittest games of football I have ever had the pleasure of playing in and some of the hottest conditions ive ever felt in England. Most of the players where hung over or half cut. I also got to experience 'Bodeans' American Grill restaurant which rob had talked about almost none stop since id been in London.

My last night at luke and adams was the night of the 'the hotel' wrap party which was taking place in Soho. I had to leave halfway through adams recording of 'mix gunna give it to ya' to head of into Soho to meet up with rob. I was already pretty drunk and rob was keen to play catch up so we tried to find an offie that would sell us some booze, failing this we found a japanese shop which sold me beer and rob saki. We abused some dutch guy who was looking for something for his cat and left. We stumbled upon duncan, who was already on his way to the wrap party and he was confused by our drunkeness. When we entered the wrap party we found out it was free booze, so we duly accepted the challenge to continue the reputation we had carefully built ourselves over the course of the previous summer... and that was to be complete and utter liabilities when drunk. I was in a bad way, about 30 minutes in, after all the greeting nonsense was out that way. I got a telling off from the barman for standing on a chair and trying to remove a fake budgie from its cage and halfway through the premier of the first episode I spilled my drink in the company of some pretty important people. We also got free food, which was excellant, and by the end of the night the women was just leaving the unfinnished trays next to me and rob. Dicking about aside though this was a pretty good evening and it was really good to get to see alot of people we had got to know quite well over the course of the shoot. It was nice to see everyone doing so well, shame John McClain couldnt be there.

I moved into my flatshare about two weeks ago now and its nice, im starting to feel at home. The people are nice and my room, although it felt weird at first is starting to feel alot more personal. The flat is pretty cool, its fairly big and has a pretty boss terrace at the back for bbqs and stuff.

I went home for a hectic weekend where I tried to see as many people as humanly possible. It started with a heated debate with the mother as she had packed all my shit into the loft and under my bed and couldnt tell me where any of it was. I have since been talked around by a certain someone that it is partially my fault and that I miss my mother, who would have knew?

I then proceeded to head to the lakes with olly and barry. I introduced them both to my inner desire to be a rally driver after I thrashed maddie around the back roads of GT which had olly(I noticed) gripped his doorside handle.

The gathering this year was good. I felt like I could never fully enjoy it knowing that id be cutting it in half but I still loved it. It was good to see so many people and especially when stubbs and rachel turned up on the saturday night unannounced, that was good. My personal highlight was the posters put up by ormskirk network, and the fact that people have started to like us but we still despise them. It was good to get out on the hill aswell and it made me realise it might be my last time in the lakes this year which is scary.

Today I got my keys at work, which is great, as it means im a full member of the team now pretty much. It also means however that I can now be victim to the same attacks in the balls the other kit room boys can, mainly by nik I imagine, so I need to be on guard for a few weeks I think. It feels good though to be gaining more responsibility, I just hope I dont fuck it up.

Sorry about this been a bit of a shit blog, I needed to get this out the way though so I can start writing about pointless funny shit again.

and to freeman, who is seemingly increasingly worried I am going to pick up southern traits. I think ill be ok freeman, I come across many people a day and hear many accents, but hardly any of them of british, let alone from the south. Ill have more chance of coming to your wedding sounding like I come from Lahore than I do London.

My tags should ensure this is not a bad blog for the ratings.

Lewis x