Stop going the Gym, you look like a Twat (feel free to hit me)!

Now, before this rant commences. Let me start by saying that I in no way have the perfect body, far from it infact. So much so that if I were a women, my dark hair, brown eyes, slender legs, tight arse, big nipples and even bigger boobs would probably be quite desirable. Sadly I am a man however and I must shelve that dream for later life(huh what?).

But in a more serious note I really think I suit the way I am. I mean I am that generic happy on the outside, manically depressed on the inside kind of fat bloke that everybody loves to have as a friend because 'their so funny' or 'always smiling'. So what should change?

I also sometimes wonder that if I did loose that couple of stone that my GP almost certainly believes I should then I would look like them odd blokes that arnt neither here nor there. Kind of drifting around in a world of fashion obscurity where their chests are left to protrude out of t's with an M slapped on them. The sort of people that go into Topman, see the mannequin and think 'yeah, thats for me' until they get home and try it on infront of the mirror and then hope that no one notices nothing fits. Skinny jeans on a fat bloke makes you look like your mum put your clothes in the wash with you in them and turned the heat up for a laugh. Classic example of these are often fat gay men, they love doing this shit.

So, to my original point of the post. People who hammer the gym.

In fairness to people who like to keep fit, I should narrow my insults down. When I say 'gym' I mean 'weights and steds'. I mean to cause no offence and hold only the highest respect for people who can actually be arsed to run every day.

Now that my focus has been corrected to 'people who hammer the weights, steds and the sunbed', Stop It! You look like a Twat!

Also, sweatpants are gay! Unless your at home or in the gym. Not in public you faggots.

Lewis

Everyone is stupid and that almost certainly includes me and you!

Does anyone else get the urge to but members of the public based purely on their appearance?

Tonight I went for what would seem, on paper, to be an unassumingly uneventful pre-christmas shopping trip with my father and sister. We where going to The Trafford Centre(which I now believe to be a mecca for all things loony) with a journey that usually takes about 40 minutes.

It didnt.

Infact it took us closer to two hours and yet peoples willingness and resolve did not falter, we where all determined to shop. The three of us started our evening with some food and thankfully my dad paid. Me and him had curry and my sister had some fries and a mcflurry(together). The curry was alright.

We then split up to go shopping with me going one way and them two going another. I should probably point out at this point that my phone has given up and ceased to function so I am un contactable. We set up a meeting place(outside selfridges) and a time 7.30(one hour from now). "Good" I thought, I will be well and truly shopped out by then.

I started my perusing with a clean slate. I had no idea what I wanted and could never of guessed I would end up not buying anything, infact, not even been interested in anything I saw. The apple shop didnt interest me and hmv had the biggest que known to man.

I decided to go to my favourite clothes outlets but they too where awful. I was walking around looking at people in chequered shirts and hats, looking at chequered shirts and hats. I was annoying. Everyone looked the same. Hairdressers around the uk must be so bored.

Barber "and what would you like today sir"

Prick " What he just had"

Barber " thrilling"

Walking down the aisles of different shops ( H&M, Burtons, Next etc) was like been stuck in an old episode of Scooby Doo but where they were stuck in a clothes store running past the same pissing backgrounds been chased by chavs in disguise(ie jeans and henleys) ! You cant polish shit, chavs. We are onto you!

And where do I begin with the women in there tonight? Jesus! Most of them looked like they where trying to imitate what Lady Gaga would have looked like if she had a head on collision with Asia(the continent not the band) and was then 'had a go on' by some vandal clowns in a backstreet ally in Amsterdam. Disgusting.

The men where no better. I have never seen so many muscly, tight topped, orange men in all my life. If you where to run a hundred yards away and turn around they would look like an angry umpa lumpa routine on steds. You can literally feel yourself getting stupider the longer you spend around these people.

One example I got the pleasure of seeing first hand was when I went to purchase some pepsi max from one of the kiosks. I had already purchased my pepsi max and I was about to turn around and leave when I noticed this wally. He was looking straight at a bottle of lucazade(original not orange, thats important) and you could see him trying to muster the words. In your best thick manc accent if you please :

Wally : Mate, can I have some orange(notice no manners)

Attendant : Yeah sure

Attendant then gets out a bottle of ORANGE FLAVOURED TANGO and presents it to the wally.

Wally : No, Orange!

Attendant : what?

Wally : Orange!

Attendent : This is Orange

Wally : I want the lucazade!

Attendent : oh, there you go!

etc etc

So said wally could only muster the colour of the bottle, he could not process the fact that there where other drinks that where orange on offer, or the fact that the drink he did order, in no way, tastes of oranges.

It seems like there is a running theme in idiots lives. Orange! Which is a shame because my favourite colour is orange but dont hold that against me.

I dont know how I am going to do my christmas shopping now as been around society genuinely stresses me the fuck out. I cant stand it when people try to be just like everybody else. Its just plain boring and annoying. I also dont like how scummy stupid people are allowed to buy normal clothes, they should have to wear tags or have leprosy.

Looks like in 2011 I will be mostly wearing the same clothes I wore in 2010. Which is funnily enough pretty much the same clothing I was wearing 07-09 too.

God I hate you people!

Lewis

Ash's 35th Birthday weekend in Boot!

Ash had booked us all a bunkhouse in Boot for his birthday and everything was set for a really good weekend. I mean, good friends, beer and whiskey, curry and the lakes, whats not to like about that?

Traffic, thats what, The bastard.

The second bastard of the weekend was undoubtably matt forshaw, who cannily suggested 'you might aswell go through preston once you have left mine'. It normally takes 45 pissing minutes to get to Lancaster from ours, it took me, Keir and Freeman almost two hours.

Once we finally arrived in boot at 8.30(I had been on the go since half past friggen 3) we made it to the pub just in time to get some food. Maddies passengers had been drinking for most of the journey so it was now my turn to play catch up, which always ends badly for me. A cumberland sausage baguette and a couple of pints later however I was in the zone and had totally forgot I was meant to be pissed off.

Before I go on anymore about this evening and indeed the whole weekend I should probably come up with how I think it was all defined. For me, the weekend has to be defined as 'pre band' and 'post band' and this was without doubt the turning point.

So, I was becoming gooned, so was everyone else, then the beat kicked in. I cant even remember the song but I knew there was only one other person in the room who it would have been effecting. I turned round, and there he is, wide eyed and letting his crotch lead him to the dance floor. There was no going back now.

Suddenly the whole pub was rocking(or it seemed to us it was) and this was only intensified when whitesnake came on. This band was awesome and they just kept playing classic after classic. We think at somepoint they played 'johnny be good(can someone confirm)' but who knows as we where to far gone at this point. I remember the lead singer gave me the mic and I cant remember what I sung but I probably murdered it.

We also continued our (becoming)tradition of shouting 'lionel' in between every song until they play lionel. Now in the past, this often doesnt work as no one loves lionel quite as much as we do but the lead singer of this band played along. He simply said 'hello' when it was quiet. Thats all we needed for a rendition of the chorus.

I also remember people buying us drinks, this was almost certainly awesome.

My mind from this point onwards in the evening goes a little sketchy and it only really comes back about 8 am the next morning when I wake up starring mike 'the nige' nolan straight in the face with the impending urge to be sick. I knew that I had to get up. Now, for anyone who witnessed me that morning, I looked ill but you don't know the half of it. This was probably the worst I have felt after drinking alcohol for a few years if not ever.

Thankfully west country convinced me to come on the 'culture' day out (as I had sacked off the walking, which hilariously keir continued with) , so me, Phil, Charly, Fonzie and Tom headed out to the west coast. I do not like driving when feeling sick and tom had lied when he said it was 10 minutes away. But we eventually got to St. Bees and it was alright, especially for west cumbria.

After a walk down the beach my hangover was wearing off and my apatite was coming on strong. So we headed into a cafe. West country got insulted when she asked for a scone with cream and jam and they gave her whipped cream and not clotted. I thought it was hilarious. I ordered a 35p can of energy drink and one of the dearest beans on toast that are currently been sold in mainland england. All this because they could only fry my eggs, not scramble them like I had asked for.

We then moved onto Ravenglass for some more beaches and roman culture(much to Fonzies disliking). I personally loved the roman bath house and thought it was awesome. As nice as ravenglass and the surrounding area was, my biggest issue with that coast is pretty much everywhere you look you can see sellafield, and thats a shame, as it looks shit.

We then moved onto Muncaster Castle, which I personally had high hopes for as I had been planning to go there for a while. They have a castle and owls, I couldnt see how the place could be anything but completely awesome. Well sadly, it was wank. The castle was closed and the owls(it turns out) dont like the cold so the shows are all canceled. And all of this you could have for the mere price of £6. Sod that.

On our way home, again to Fonzies disliking, Tom decided to take us by another roman fort. This time on Hardknott pass. This fort was so much better than the last one and for me was the highlight of the day. I loved it.

That night the couple charnock had teamed up to make the best night of curry ever. There was even enough that when we got in from the pub we could all have some more(infact I was still eating it at about 4am)

Matt quickly set out the rules for the evening again by stating that we had to be the last two people to go to bed. For about the 6th weekend in a row we completed this. Sadly Fonzie joined us in our last man standing final but thats because he was sleeping down stairs on the chairs.

The next morning was a rough start again.

Freeman was keen to get home for the southport game so he could watch it in a pub. We made it as far as lancaster. With matt residing in lancaster we thought that finding a pub with the football on would be relatively easy. That is until we remembered matt does not like the football and drinks in wine bars with a shirt on.

For about 30 minutes we wandered aimlessly around lancaster looking for a pub. He kept pointing out wine bars and 'classy' joints, or indian restaurants, none of which show FA cup football.

We finally found one which at first he hesitated at as the reputation was not good for students. The second we walked in I could see why, fuck me it was rough. No one in their liked us. Thank fully however me and Keir and even to a degree martin could blend in. As for matt, I have never seen someone look so middle class in my life as he did.

6 goals in 12 minutes, epic football, unlucky southport!

The weekend could not be finished off without a good feast. This feast came in the form of The Colonel. He is really setting me straight at the moment. No matter how much of a mess I am, no matter how much of an arse I have made out of myself that weekend, I always know where I stand with The Colonel. He never lets me down.

Quote of the weekend - "are you going to molest me?"

Defining moment of the weekend - The arrival of Eric Clapton

Sorry for the sloppy blog, it was a sloppy weekend.

ONMAS 2010

ONMAS 2010 was a camp ran by Ormskirk Network to Snowdonia in North Wales. The weekend was ran as our linking event for the year with the Explorer Scouts. The organising was mostly done by me(recruitment and booking) and Forshaw(logistics and mountain stuff). The weekend was based around the idea of DESA which was a camp that used to run a few years ago aimed at getting explorers out on adventurous activities.

When we arrived on the friday night it was like a tornado was brewing outside. There was thankfully a old rickity shed near by for us to shelter behind, but this only added to suspense that we where fast becoming engrossed in a horror/disaster movie.

Although the ten minute walk was a complete ballache in these conditions I actually think it was a great experience to look back on(definitely type 2 fun). The walk made sure we all had a story to bond over and something to laugh about together as a group and there was a real sense of togetherness, once we had all got dry and warm of course.

The bunkhouse was almost everything we wanted it to be. It was really nice, really secluded and there was a real sense of wilderness which where big ticks for us. Sadly we had problems with the heating over the weekend but I certainly think it was still more than enough for what we needed.

On the saturday we knew the weather was going to be horrendous. So we all decided to take a walk up Mount Snowdon. The walk would involve us walking in two groups(fast and slow apparently) and set off up the pyg track, onto the top, and then down directly to the bunkhouse. Everyone seemed to have a good day and really made the most of the conditions. We also got some snow and hail which was nice, a telling fact that winter is on its way. I dont know what to make of the new Snowdon summit cafe however, it was a bit posh and really took some shine off the summit proper for me. It was ice to get warm and dry though. Like posh Alps but in Wales.

Saturday night we had some good food and one of the hottest fires I have ever sat near. The coal was definitely a good idea. The Bunkhouse was boiling that night which I think is what we all needed. The only downside was my throat was sore for about a week after due to all the smoke.

Sunday the weather was much better and we got to go and do our planned mass assault on Tryfan. We split into three groups this time and we would all take slightly different routes up Tryfans North Ridge. Our initial plan was to try and all meet up on the summit for photos but we never really thought the chances of that would be likely. However just before we got to the final climb to the top, all three groups met up and managed to get to the summit as one big group which was really a great moment for the trip. For the people who had never climbed Tryfan before the mountain seemed to have them pumped and fully caught up with the big mountaineering day bug(which was the intent) for me, it just had me shattered. Summit photos over we all made our way down to the bus and got ourselves on the road.

As a final and true ending to the trip we managed to spread the word of a KFC nearby to all three of the vehicles, just in time so that we could all pull over and have a group KFC. This was by far my highlight of the weekend. Emma Cairns tried KFC for the first time, Andy and Jacob destroyed a bucket between them, Charles(insisting he doesnt like chicken) at KFC on a network trip for the second time and me, Barry and Matt had a side of Chicken with our Chicken.

All in all a great weekend was had by all. We ticked most of our boxes we had set out to tick(all but break even really) and I am sure it will go on to be a bigger and better weekend next year.

Thanks must go to Ken Spencer for doing the Catering and Mini Bus driving and Julie and Andy for assisting Matt on the hill with their tickets.

The group posing outside the Bunkhouse.

Best Two Months Ever/ A New Way Of Life?

September and October has probably the busiest Scouting schedule of the year and this year I think we took full advantage. This post will be annoying as they all probably should have been separate blogs in themselves and therefore I am going to have to skim over some details. Sorry.

Starting with Connected 2010. For me this was the Birth of our new Network for Ormskirk. There was 105 people in attendance on the weekend and 35 of them where from Ormskirk and we started to state our dominance early on the friday night with heavy drinking.

Sticking to our roots of not really getting involved in anything County we quickly established our own area on the campsite and proceeded to tear up the occasion. After having the first drunk person dancing on stage we quickly moved onto murdering every classic song there has ever been on the karaoke and even managed to liaise with The St. Helen Network lot.

On the saturday people got out and did a number of quality activities, personally however I sobered up and went the football. What a game, Everton 3-1 down with 2 minutes of extra time to go and we drew 3-3! I enjoyed my drive back down the 62 with all the united fans. When I got back we started on the mother of all drinking sessions that started with a bottle of vino before 5pm. My moment for the weekend has to be me and matt being the last two people to bed and going through an un holy amount of wine sitting in the rain. It was a fantastic weekend.

Fonzie had a good time at Connected.

A few days later I got a phonecall with an offer of some more television work. This time down in London. I quickly booked myself a first class return ticket and went down. Thankfully Adam and Luke had said I could come and stay with them which was good because I had not seen them in a long time. It was good to catch up. We played alot of fifa and ate too much pizza.

The work was really good. I had stepped up from been a runner in my last job to the role of tech assist in this one. The show is going to be called 'the modelling agency' and it will be on channel 4 in the new year.

The Gathering 10 was without doubt the best Gathering I had ever been on. I am really getting more out of scouting from helping that I ever did as a participant. I did some awful things on the Gathering this year, like drink a bottle of expensive wedding present wine, and eat Ken Spencers fairly expensive cheese(even though I am not too keen on cheese) but neither of these will be my lasting memory from this weekend. This award goes to Fonzie for his epic serving hatch stunt.

Dave Ridouts Final Walk was a big BIG weekend for me. Dave Ridout was a massive influence on my life and someone who I know I am going to miss. Saying that though, what an chance for everyone to come together and remember this great person. We all met in the pub the night before, drank whiskey, told stories and generally reminisced(and offended minorities). The walk the next day was a good one, one I had never done before, culminating in Daves ash's been scattered on top of Pillar Rock(his last unclimbed mountain in England and Wales). Me Matt and Jesus carried Dave up the mountain in Matts rucksack, taking turns. The day was emotional and hard on everyone but there was a real sense of achievement and satisfaction at the end.

The guys a top of Pillar, ready to scatter Dave's ashes.

There have been many more telling events of these last few months but I really feel like I am rambling on now and its getting boring.

The big thing to come out of these events though its a new way of life for me and other certain members of my close friends. This new way of life is faster, drinks harder, sleeps less, abuses more and is becoming compulsive/addictive.

An Interesting (all be it moist) Summer

So, my blog has been rather neglected as my last post was in March. The reason for this started out as me been to busy and then rapidly descended into me been far too lazy.

So therefore these next few blogs(that I aim to knock out in double quick time) will be sloppy and more of a catch up of my life since March, rather than a quick witted update of my weekly doings.

I called this blog 'an interesting summer' and thats because it probably was the most interesting I have ever had. It started out with me putting the final pieces together on a 10 day long trip to the alps that had been a while in the with Matt. That was until I got home after work and was sitting watching South Park when I got a phone call that changed everything.

Dragonfly TV where on the phone and wanted me to start working for them straight away on the recommendation of a friend that was already working for them. This was it, a chance for a foot into the TV industry door, but first I had a lot to deal with.

I was upset at having to let Matt down for missing the alps trip but it could not be helped and thankfully he understood and still went out and had a great trip. I also had no where to stay at a days notice so I came prepared to camp out at GT but really hoped I didnt have too in the torrid weather we where having. Thank fully I ended up spending most of my nights on the couch in the ecology room free of charge and that was good. I soon managed to get myself a flat up there courtesy of a friend and this made me 7 weeks much more manageable.

The work in the Lakes for Dragonfly was amazing. I dont think I will ever have 6 or 7 weeks like that in my life again. I love living unpredictably and there was certainly lots and lots of this. The skills I got to learn and the people I got to meet was fantastic and actually getting to live in the lakes and losing that sense of been a visitor was undervalued at the time as I really missed the place once I had left.

The Gallery for 'The Hotel'.

In amongst the 7 weeks work in The Lakes was 'Red Rose'. I had originally been down to help on the week long camp but with the work I could only help out where and when I could but I think everyone will agree I took full advantage. Finally I had plenty of people I knew on my doorstep and I had a social life after a few weeks of almost social recluse. In truth I probably over did it in the beer and lack of sleep department but I got through it ok...just. Without doubt though one of the best moments of my life. For the whole week I didnt have a seconds rest and was always busy and having a great time. Quote of the week "How am I meant to drive when I cant stand up" which was said by me at about 4.30 am.

Ken Doll takes a rough landing.

After the work in the lakes I was soon back there on a bit of a holiday this time which was exactly what I needed at this point. On the first day we went for a walk. I took the group up and onto Striding Edge on Helvellyn, a route which I have done a few times before. The day was really nice for it and everyone seemed to have a really good experience. For everyone but me it was their first time scrambling and I think we only had one person who had any vertigo issues.

The next day of the trip we went to a small pebble beach next to Lake Windermere. Once we where bored of this a few of us went and played football on the grass a little further from the shore. After spending all afternoon there we set off for home when I asked one of the lads to chuck the ball up in the air so I could control it with my chest. As I went to do this my right foot gave way and I hit the deck in a rather embarrassing manner. I quickly jumped up in an attempt to save some pride and tried to run the pain off, about 50 meters down the path however I knew I was in trouble.

I genuinely thought I had broke my foot and as it turns out I had 'strained some tendons' in there instead. Great I thought, that cant be as bad as a break. But as I sit here and write this, over 11 weeks later, my foot is still in alot of pain from one of the stupidest things I have ever done. Moral of that story, dont be a show off.

Fantastic Mr Fox was, well, Brilliant

I thought my favourite animated film of 2009 was 'up' by a long way. That was until I had the pleasure of watching 'Fantastic Mr Fox'.

I love watching films when you expect very little from them and they surprise you. When this film was released no one really cared, it didn't get people talking and it certainly didn't make me want to watch it. And after Clooneys oscar nominated performance in 'up in the air' I had fully had enough of him and didn't really want to like it.

After about two or three minutes of it however I was completely sold. The stop start animation is a breath of fresh air away from the over perfected 3D animation we have become almost immune to now and the story is just compelling. I am not going to sit here and compare it to the book, as I hate people that do that. Do you know how much harder it is to make a film than it is to write a book? and also, the only reason it was not as good as the book was because the director selfishly chose not create the film exactly how you had imagined it in your stupid little head.

Back to the film, Clooney is actually pretty funny. In fact, this film is one of the funniest and most charming films I have seen in years. The humour in it would go way over childrens heads and I am not at all surprised it did not get that well talked of at the time. It never seemed to be given a proper chance. One of the funniest things about the film is that they have replaced the word 'fuck' with the word 'cuss'. Although you would never notice it but the word 'cuss' is said so much that taken with a different mindset this film would have got much more than its PG rating.

The animation coupled with the humour in the film makes this truly one of my favourite animated films of all time. I cant wait to buy it and watch it again.

I have a Blog

Well, after viewing a pretty impressive blog and spending a good portion of my evening last night talking about them, today I have made one. I guess its a good way to vent my opinions that no one will care about.

With this been my first ever post I will give a bit of background on my last few weeks. I have been car-less now since december and it is doing my head in. For those people who don't drive, you will never realise what it is like to lose that from your life. For a few months now I have felt lost. Hopefully this will get sorted in the next few days though and my life can resume, I mean there is so much snow about at the moment and I don't have anything to get me to it.

I have also entered that last stages on my university life. I have been working on my dissertation and we have one practical assignment to do and that is me done. 'into the real world' as my parents like to constantly remind me. This prospect scares me and I have been scouring graduate job websites since I recently woke up and thought 'bugger'.

So as I sit here writing this pretty pointless and aimless first blog I am agitated by my lack of car but satisfied enough with my new haircut. I am heading back to university tomorrow and then hopefully at the weekend going on my first of four weekends away in the next six. This should be good as I have been itching to get back out into the hills since snow and ice and I hear alot of things are still looking good.

This picture sums up my last few weeks -