Im sure the owners of Lidl are having a laugh.

A new post has been a long time coming and thanks to some convincing here is a new one.

My closest supermarket(small amount of emphasis on the word 'super' here) in London is Lidl. You all live relatively close to one as well but you never bother to go in because its completely wank. It carries the similar stigma that Aldi used too when I was a kid and you didn't want to be that kid. But to be honest with you I sometimes cant be fucked to walk all the way up to Ealing so I have to take a deep breath and just go for it.

It is as if the owners have never visited a normal supermarket. For starters, £1 for a trolley?? are you still that backwards Lidl? Kids don't knick trolleys anymore and head down the park to push their mates down hills, they are too busy playing online and taking crack. and who carries loose change round in this day in age? Put a chip and pin on that bad boy and ill be all over it.

Thankfully I don't need a trolley as I'm normally(and by that I mean ever) only shopping for one. So I head inside and look around for the baskets. Then I look a little harder. Then I head back outside to see if I missed them on my way in. Then I look up and see people assembling boxes they have brought with them or nicked by pouring some tomatoes on the floor. What the fuck is going on?

I don't have a box. What am I to do?

In my head I am already shrinking my shopping list into just enough that I can now carry round the shop. Eggs are out of the fucking question. So is glass anything. Did I point out I have actually agreed to carry my fucking shopping around the shop and then down the road?

I not only have to cross things off the Lidl wish list but I now also have to plan which items I am going to pick up first in order to be able to maximise my carrying ability. Fortunately Lidl help you out here by laying our their shop with no clear common pattern what-so-ever. So in reality you end up going around the shop back and fourth about 17 times and have to re pack your hand fulls at least twice and during all this faffing id of been to Ealing and half way back.

Lidl does have some plus sides though. It is filled with shit you thought you could really only get on holiday. Novelty foods such as decent bratwurst. If your a fan of curry as well their Balti cooking sauce is banging as are their wholemeal pittas. Don't be completely fooled by their little novelties though, you have not seen the cue yet.

AND WHAT A FUCKING QUE IT IS. Theres only ever two aisles open, no one speaks English and everyone is buying bloody loads. It is more tedious than the cues in Wilkos as at least there your items are in a basket and not wedged between your hands and your chin.

I don't even think the place is that cheap. Everyone is always harping on about how cheap it is but I just don't see it. I go there, not for the price, just to give myself a surreal experience on how life should not work and to occasionally scratch up on my Latvian. They do do cheap chicken breasts though.

To top it off, its normally raining when you get outside too. Great fun.

Hopefully the next one will not be in such long waiting.

Lewis x

P.S never buy the dodgy branded sausage and beans. I recently had a well bad craving for beans on toast and it was only after I got home and had eaten it did I realise the tin had 100% of may salt for the day in. 100% fucking percent. Is that shit even legal anymore?