A Highland Hogmanay Adventure.

Over the holidays we continued our annual assault on some wintery mountains in Scotland(even though this was my first year of the three due to critical levels of funds, which where only marginally better this christmas) only to find that quite a big thaw had set in which left little amounts of snow and bullet hard ice. Which was nice(shit rhyme).

Me, matt, fonzie, freeman and mathers where on all aboard the love trains for what promised to be one hell of a sexy week. Me and The Fonz where heading up a day late however to ensure we got to ride in the bitching Audi. Our destination was the Inchree centre for we had booked ourselves a chalet for the five nights. On the journey up where were listening to Papa Fonzies Ipod and this proved to be quite fruitfull in what it delivered. There was probably no more than 6 or 7 albums on the Ipod which consisted of love song combinations, one hit wonder compilations and NOW's from the oldschool. I think my favourite song of the journey was on our last leg home when we found this beaut. I fucking loved this.

"we can dance, we can dance, Everybody look at your hands" Brilliant.

When me and Fonz had arrived the rest of them where still out on the hill and we had to ask for a spare key at reception. This was bad because there was 5 of us and there was only meant to be 4 in a chalet. So we had to be covert. Since we had to be covert I thought it would be best if the trained assassin that is Fonzie would be the right person to go in and get the job done, since if shit did go down he could get rid of everybody in a flash. So anyway, im waiting outside in the cold, in dashing distance of the bushes incase it goes tits up and all of a sudden the door opens and out comes fonzie. Just as I am halfway through saying "well done fonzie" a blond women follows him out. "Fuck, he's pulled already" I thought... worse, it was the women who had the key and fonzie had offered her a lift up to her flat, the dark horse. So now theres me, fonzie and blond women in the car going up to her flat, when she pipes up "isnt there 4 people in there alreadt?" she was wrong and this made it easier to lie. She was also foreign so could not sense our lies.

Our first day on the hill(which turned out to be my only day on the hill) proved eventful. If you want to read a better write up of this than mine is going to be then check out this. We headed over towards Creise and had to negotiate some tricky frozen rivers which was fun. We then spotted an ice route on the way that had matt nursing a semi and he said he would have to come back and do it someday as it did look pretty spectacular. The rest of them then had a play on some ice and after a lot of abuse and persuasion they managed to make me put my crampons on and go and join them. It took me about five minutes just to move as I was completely shitting myself. Soon enough though we where heading up snow slopes which was fine by me.

We then (against my will) headed up the originally intended route which was a grade 3. It started with an ice pitch, which as we have now established is my favourite. In truth it wasn't too bad, until about half way up I fell off. I fell about 2 meters and was left dangling for about 5 minutes before I mustered the strength to get up and carry on, which was interesting. But actually I enjoyed it when I looked back. We then proceeded to walk down the nice easy gully I had my eye to go up in the first place, which was interesting. Again however this was no where near as bad as I thought it would be.

I did take another tumble(or two) on the way down and knew I had hurt my foot and ankle but wasn't sure how bad. Turns out when we finally got back to the chalet that things where very swollen around that area which was not good. Did mean however that I got to spend the rest of the trip drinking and eating, which is a favoured past time of mine.

The next day was a complete write off for everyone as we where all trashed so we headed into Fort William for an afternoon watching matt contemplating spending his fathers money and mainly sitting in pubs. We had to head back in good time though as we had guests coming that evening and we still needed to cram in a man session whilst we watched RED.

Later on that evening Charly and Phil turned up in the passion wagon to pay us a visit. I was making chilli and they had brought snacks. They also abused our shower. We then watched the 'ruder, cruder, nuder' version of 'sex drive'. Earlier in the day us 5 had watched the normal version and liked it so much we where now going to watch the extended version. You know its going to be good when at the start the director comes on the screen and says "please dont watch this if you have not seen the original as this is not a film, its trash for fans".

That night fonzie got some battle scars on his forehead when he went outside and butted some ice because he is hard. He also said he learnt his lesson.

Cant really remember many details so ill cut straight to new years eve. We went to a hotel down the road and situated ourselves in the bar for some food. We quickly noticed that everyone else had dressed up and that maybe this would not be our sort of evening. This was until we all got smashed and then them worried quickly drifted away.

It was honestly the best new years eve I can remember and I had so much fun. Doing a Ceilidh was so good even though they wanted to do it like five times and I wanted them to play the beatles. I also spent a large portion of my evening speaking to some old people on the table behind me which was good as they where actually interested in some pretty cool stuff. Talked about The Editors alot and how good they are live.

One of the funniest things that happened that night was matt and mathers locking themselves in the boot of mathers' car. It took us three ages to find them and I had to phone matt and mathers was like "we are in the boot". How the hell that happened I dont know.

The 1st was a write off. The only thing we messed up on was not finding the BBQ until after we had already decided not to BBQ which was a let down as we had all remembered our shorts and flip flops. Although I did forget my gloves... bummer.

On the last dat we got up fairly early so that the others could go ice climbing. Me with my foot still killing stayed with the cars and read 185 or so pages of The Stigs autobiography which was actually quite good although I skipped through some of the earlier background chapters to get straight to the good shit.

In the end the trip was fantastic but it was just a shame I busted my foot, although to be honest I was no where near as fit as I should have been. We got a good balance though of some good days on the hill and some good social downtime which really made it feel more like a holiday.

Highlights where:

The man salad.

The phantom shit.

Sex Drive.

Frozen Turf.

Men with hats.

A bottle of house red - £12.99.

Texting 'TIGER1' to 70099.

The downsides where:

Steep Ice.

There will be alot of imperfections with this blog, im tired, deal with it.

Lewis

Stop going the Gym, you look like a Twat (feel free to hit me)!

Now, before this rant commences. Let me start by saying that I in no way have the perfect body, far from it infact. So much so that if I were a women, my dark hair, brown eyes, slender legs, tight arse, big nipples and even bigger boobs would probably be quite desirable. Sadly I am a man however and I must shelve that dream for later life(huh what?).

But in a more serious note I really think I suit the way I am. I mean I am that generic happy on the outside, manically depressed on the inside kind of fat bloke that everybody loves to have as a friend because 'their so funny' or 'always smiling'. So what should change?

I also sometimes wonder that if I did loose that couple of stone that my GP almost certainly believes I should then I would look like them odd blokes that arnt neither here nor there. Kind of drifting around in a world of fashion obscurity where their chests are left to protrude out of t's with an M slapped on them. The sort of people that go into Topman, see the mannequin and think 'yeah, thats for me' until they get home and try it on infront of the mirror and then hope that no one notices nothing fits. Skinny jeans on a fat bloke makes you look like your mum put your clothes in the wash with you in them and turned the heat up for a laugh. Classic example of these are often fat gay men, they love doing this shit.

So, to my original point of the post. People who hammer the gym.

In fairness to people who like to keep fit, I should narrow my insults down. When I say 'gym' I mean 'weights and steds'. I mean to cause no offence and hold only the highest respect for people who can actually be arsed to run every day.

Now that my focus has been corrected to 'people who hammer the weights, steds and the sunbed', Stop It! You look like a Twat!

Also, sweatpants are gay! Unless your at home or in the gym. Not in public you faggots.

Lewis

Everyone is stupid and that almost certainly includes me and you!

Does anyone else get the urge to but members of the public based purely on their appearance?

Tonight I went for what would seem, on paper, to be an unassumingly uneventful pre-christmas shopping trip with my father and sister. We where going to The Trafford Centre(which I now believe to be a mecca for all things loony) with a journey that usually takes about 40 minutes.

It didnt.

Infact it took us closer to two hours and yet peoples willingness and resolve did not falter, we where all determined to shop. The three of us started our evening with some food and thankfully my dad paid. Me and him had curry and my sister had some fries and a mcflurry(together). The curry was alright.

We then split up to go shopping with me going one way and them two going another. I should probably point out at this point that my phone has given up and ceased to function so I am un contactable. We set up a meeting place(outside selfridges) and a time 7.30(one hour from now). "Good" I thought, I will be well and truly shopped out by then.

I started my perusing with a clean slate. I had no idea what I wanted and could never of guessed I would end up not buying anything, infact, not even been interested in anything I saw. The apple shop didnt interest me and hmv had the biggest que known to man.

I decided to go to my favourite clothes outlets but they too where awful. I was walking around looking at people in chequered shirts and hats, looking at chequered shirts and hats. I was annoying. Everyone looked the same. Hairdressers around the uk must be so bored.

Barber "and what would you like today sir"

Prick " What he just had"

Barber " thrilling"

Walking down the aisles of different shops ( H&M, Burtons, Next etc) was like been stuck in an old episode of Scooby Doo but where they were stuck in a clothes store running past the same pissing backgrounds been chased by chavs in disguise(ie jeans and henleys) ! You cant polish shit, chavs. We are onto you!

And where do I begin with the women in there tonight? Jesus! Most of them looked like they where trying to imitate what Lady Gaga would have looked like if she had a head on collision with Asia(the continent not the band) and was then 'had a go on' by some vandal clowns in a backstreet ally in Amsterdam. Disgusting.

The men where no better. I have never seen so many muscly, tight topped, orange men in all my life. If you where to run a hundred yards away and turn around they would look like an angry umpa lumpa routine on steds. You can literally feel yourself getting stupider the longer you spend around these people.

One example I got the pleasure of seeing first hand was when I went to purchase some pepsi max from one of the kiosks. I had already purchased my pepsi max and I was about to turn around and leave when I noticed this wally. He was looking straight at a bottle of lucazade(original not orange, thats important) and you could see him trying to muster the words. In your best thick manc accent if you please :

Wally : Mate, can I have some orange(notice no manners)

Attendant : Yeah sure

Attendant then gets out a bottle of ORANGE FLAVOURED TANGO and presents it to the wally.

Wally : No, Orange!

Attendant : what?

Wally : Orange!

Attendent : This is Orange

Wally : I want the lucazade!

Attendent : oh, there you go!

etc etc

So said wally could only muster the colour of the bottle, he could not process the fact that there where other drinks that where orange on offer, or the fact that the drink he did order, in no way, tastes of oranges.

It seems like there is a running theme in idiots lives. Orange! Which is a shame because my favourite colour is orange but dont hold that against me.

I dont know how I am going to do my christmas shopping now as been around society genuinely stresses me the fuck out. I cant stand it when people try to be just like everybody else. Its just plain boring and annoying. I also dont like how scummy stupid people are allowed to buy normal clothes, they should have to wear tags or have leprosy.

Looks like in 2011 I will be mostly wearing the same clothes I wore in 2010. Which is funnily enough pretty much the same clothing I was wearing 07-09 too.

God I hate you people!

Lewis

Ash's 35th Birthday weekend in Boot!

Ash had booked us all a bunkhouse in Boot for his birthday and everything was set for a really good weekend. I mean, good friends, beer and whiskey, curry and the lakes, whats not to like about that?

Traffic, thats what, The bastard.

The second bastard of the weekend was undoubtably matt forshaw, who cannily suggested 'you might aswell go through preston once you have left mine'. It normally takes 45 pissing minutes to get to Lancaster from ours, it took me, Keir and Freeman almost two hours.

Once we finally arrived in boot at 8.30(I had been on the go since half past friggen 3) we made it to the pub just in time to get some food. Maddies passengers had been drinking for most of the journey so it was now my turn to play catch up, which always ends badly for me. A cumberland sausage baguette and a couple of pints later however I was in the zone and had totally forgot I was meant to be pissed off.

Before I go on anymore about this evening and indeed the whole weekend I should probably come up with how I think it was all defined. For me, the weekend has to be defined as 'pre band' and 'post band' and this was without doubt the turning point.

So, I was becoming gooned, so was everyone else, then the beat kicked in. I cant even remember the song but I knew there was only one other person in the room who it would have been effecting. I turned round, and there he is, wide eyed and letting his crotch lead him to the dance floor. There was no going back now.

Suddenly the whole pub was rocking(or it seemed to us it was) and this was only intensified when whitesnake came on. This band was awesome and they just kept playing classic after classic. We think at somepoint they played 'johnny be good(can someone confirm)' but who knows as we where to far gone at this point. I remember the lead singer gave me the mic and I cant remember what I sung but I probably murdered it.

We also continued our (becoming)tradition of shouting 'lionel' in between every song until they play lionel. Now in the past, this often doesnt work as no one loves lionel quite as much as we do but the lead singer of this band played along. He simply said 'hello' when it was quiet. Thats all we needed for a rendition of the chorus.

I also remember people buying us drinks, this was almost certainly awesome.

My mind from this point onwards in the evening goes a little sketchy and it only really comes back about 8 am the next morning when I wake up starring mike 'the nige' nolan straight in the face with the impending urge to be sick. I knew that I had to get up. Now, for anyone who witnessed me that morning, I looked ill but you don't know the half of it. This was probably the worst I have felt after drinking alcohol for a few years if not ever.

Thankfully west country convinced me to come on the 'culture' day out (as I had sacked off the walking, which hilariously keir continued with) , so me, Phil, Charly, Fonzie and Tom headed out to the west coast. I do not like driving when feeling sick and tom had lied when he said it was 10 minutes away. But we eventually got to St. Bees and it was alright, especially for west cumbria.

After a walk down the beach my hangover was wearing off and my apatite was coming on strong. So we headed into a cafe. West country got insulted when she asked for a scone with cream and jam and they gave her whipped cream and not clotted. I thought it was hilarious. I ordered a 35p can of energy drink and one of the dearest beans on toast that are currently been sold in mainland england. All this because they could only fry my eggs, not scramble them like I had asked for.

We then moved onto Ravenglass for some more beaches and roman culture(much to Fonzies disliking). I personally loved the roman bath house and thought it was awesome. As nice as ravenglass and the surrounding area was, my biggest issue with that coast is pretty much everywhere you look you can see sellafield, and thats a shame, as it looks shit.

We then moved onto Muncaster Castle, which I personally had high hopes for as I had been planning to go there for a while. They have a castle and owls, I couldnt see how the place could be anything but completely awesome. Well sadly, it was wank. The castle was closed and the owls(it turns out) dont like the cold so the shows are all canceled. And all of this you could have for the mere price of £6. Sod that.

On our way home, again to Fonzies disliking, Tom decided to take us by another roman fort. This time on Hardknott pass. This fort was so much better than the last one and for me was the highlight of the day. I loved it.

That night the couple charnock had teamed up to make the best night of curry ever. There was even enough that when we got in from the pub we could all have some more(infact I was still eating it at about 4am)

Matt quickly set out the rules for the evening again by stating that we had to be the last two people to go to bed. For about the 6th weekend in a row we completed this. Sadly Fonzie joined us in our last man standing final but thats because he was sleeping down stairs on the chairs.

The next morning was a rough start again.

Freeman was keen to get home for the southport game so he could watch it in a pub. We made it as far as lancaster. With matt residing in lancaster we thought that finding a pub with the football on would be relatively easy. That is until we remembered matt does not like the football and drinks in wine bars with a shirt on.

For about 30 minutes we wandered aimlessly around lancaster looking for a pub. He kept pointing out wine bars and 'classy' joints, or indian restaurants, none of which show FA cup football.

We finally found one which at first he hesitated at as the reputation was not good for students. The second we walked in I could see why, fuck me it was rough. No one in their liked us. Thank fully however me and Keir and even to a degree martin could blend in. As for matt, I have never seen someone look so middle class in my life as he did.

6 goals in 12 minutes, epic football, unlucky southport!

The weekend could not be finished off without a good feast. This feast came in the form of The Colonel. He is really setting me straight at the moment. No matter how much of a mess I am, no matter how much of an arse I have made out of myself that weekend, I always know where I stand with The Colonel. He never lets me down.

Quote of the weekend - "are you going to molest me?"

Defining moment of the weekend - The arrival of Eric Clapton

Sorry for the sloppy blog, it was a sloppy weekend.

ONMAS 2010

ONMAS 2010 was a camp ran by Ormskirk Network to Snowdonia in North Wales. The weekend was ran as our linking event for the year with the Explorer Scouts. The organising was mostly done by me(recruitment and booking) and Forshaw(logistics and mountain stuff). The weekend was based around the idea of DESA which was a camp that used to run a few years ago aimed at getting explorers out on adventurous activities.

When we arrived on the friday night it was like a tornado was brewing outside. There was thankfully a old rickity shed near by for us to shelter behind, but this only added to suspense that we where fast becoming engrossed in a horror/disaster movie.

Although the ten minute walk was a complete ballache in these conditions I actually think it was a great experience to look back on(definitely type 2 fun). The walk made sure we all had a story to bond over and something to laugh about together as a group and there was a real sense of togetherness, once we had all got dry and warm of course.

The bunkhouse was almost everything we wanted it to be. It was really nice, really secluded and there was a real sense of wilderness which where big ticks for us. Sadly we had problems with the heating over the weekend but I certainly think it was still more than enough for what we needed.

On the saturday we knew the weather was going to be horrendous. So we all decided to take a walk up Mount Snowdon. The walk would involve us walking in two groups(fast and slow apparently) and set off up the pyg track, onto the top, and then down directly to the bunkhouse. Everyone seemed to have a good day and really made the most of the conditions. We also got some snow and hail which was nice, a telling fact that winter is on its way. I dont know what to make of the new Snowdon summit cafe however, it was a bit posh and really took some shine off the summit proper for me. It was ice to get warm and dry though. Like posh Alps but in Wales.

Saturday night we had some good food and one of the hottest fires I have ever sat near. The coal was definitely a good idea. The Bunkhouse was boiling that night which I think is what we all needed. The only downside was my throat was sore for about a week after due to all the smoke.

Sunday the weather was much better and we got to go and do our planned mass assault on Tryfan. We split into three groups this time and we would all take slightly different routes up Tryfans North Ridge. Our initial plan was to try and all meet up on the summit for photos but we never really thought the chances of that would be likely. However just before we got to the final climb to the top, all three groups met up and managed to get to the summit as one big group which was really a great moment for the trip. For the people who had never climbed Tryfan before the mountain seemed to have them pumped and fully caught up with the big mountaineering day bug(which was the intent) for me, it just had me shattered. Summit photos over we all made our way down to the bus and got ourselves on the road.

As a final and true ending to the trip we managed to spread the word of a KFC nearby to all three of the vehicles, just in time so that we could all pull over and have a group KFC. This was by far my highlight of the weekend. Emma Cairns tried KFC for the first time, Andy and Jacob destroyed a bucket between them, Charles(insisting he doesnt like chicken) at KFC on a network trip for the second time and me, Barry and Matt had a side of Chicken with our Chicken.

All in all a great weekend was had by all. We ticked most of our boxes we had set out to tick(all but break even really) and I am sure it will go on to be a bigger and better weekend next year.

Thanks must go to Ken Spencer for doing the Catering and Mini Bus driving and Julie and Andy for assisting Matt on the hill with their tickets.

The group posing outside the Bunkhouse.

Best Two Months Ever/ A New Way Of Life?

September and October has probably the busiest Scouting schedule of the year and this year I think we took full advantage. This post will be annoying as they all probably should have been separate blogs in themselves and therefore I am going to have to skim over some details. Sorry.

Starting with Connected 2010. For me this was the Birth of our new Network for Ormskirk. There was 105 people in attendance on the weekend and 35 of them where from Ormskirk and we started to state our dominance early on the friday night with heavy drinking.

Sticking to our roots of not really getting involved in anything County we quickly established our own area on the campsite and proceeded to tear up the occasion. After having the first drunk person dancing on stage we quickly moved onto murdering every classic song there has ever been on the karaoke and even managed to liaise with The St. Helen Network lot.

On the saturday people got out and did a number of quality activities, personally however I sobered up and went the football. What a game, Everton 3-1 down with 2 minutes of extra time to go and we drew 3-3! I enjoyed my drive back down the 62 with all the united fans. When I got back we started on the mother of all drinking sessions that started with a bottle of vino before 5pm. My moment for the weekend has to be me and matt being the last two people to bed and going through an un holy amount of wine sitting in the rain. It was a fantastic weekend.

Fonzie had a good time at Connected.

A few days later I got a phonecall with an offer of some more television work. This time down in London. I quickly booked myself a first class return ticket and went down. Thankfully Adam and Luke had said I could come and stay with them which was good because I had not seen them in a long time. It was good to catch up. We played alot of fifa and ate too much pizza.

The work was really good. I had stepped up from been a runner in my last job to the role of tech assist in this one. The show is going to be called 'the modelling agency' and it will be on channel 4 in the new year.

The Gathering 10 was without doubt the best Gathering I had ever been on. I am really getting more out of scouting from helping that I ever did as a participant. I did some awful things on the Gathering this year, like drink a bottle of expensive wedding present wine, and eat Ken Spencers fairly expensive cheese(even though I am not too keen on cheese) but neither of these will be my lasting memory from this weekend. This award goes to Fonzie for his epic serving hatch stunt.

Dave Ridouts Final Walk was a big BIG weekend for me. Dave Ridout was a massive influence on my life and someone who I know I am going to miss. Saying that though, what an chance for everyone to come together and remember this great person. We all met in the pub the night before, drank whiskey, told stories and generally reminisced(and offended minorities). The walk the next day was a good one, one I had never done before, culminating in Daves ash's been scattered on top of Pillar Rock(his last unclimbed mountain in England and Wales). Me Matt and Jesus carried Dave up the mountain in Matts rucksack, taking turns. The day was emotional and hard on everyone but there was a real sense of achievement and satisfaction at the end.

The guys a top of Pillar, ready to scatter Dave's ashes.

There have been many more telling events of these last few months but I really feel like I am rambling on now and its getting boring.

The big thing to come out of these events though its a new way of life for me and other certain members of my close friends. This new way of life is faster, drinks harder, sleeps less, abuses more and is becoming compulsive/addictive.

An Interesting (all be it moist) Summer

So, my blog has been rather neglected as my last post was in March. The reason for this started out as me been to busy and then rapidly descended into me been far too lazy.

So therefore these next few blogs(that I aim to knock out in double quick time) will be sloppy and more of a catch up of my life since March, rather than a quick witted update of my weekly doings.

I called this blog 'an interesting summer' and thats because it probably was the most interesting I have ever had. It started out with me putting the final pieces together on a 10 day long trip to the alps that had been a while in the with Matt. That was until I got home after work and was sitting watching South Park when I got a phone call that changed everything.

Dragonfly TV where on the phone and wanted me to start working for them straight away on the recommendation of a friend that was already working for them. This was it, a chance for a foot into the TV industry door, but first I had a lot to deal with.

I was upset at having to let Matt down for missing the alps trip but it could not be helped and thankfully he understood and still went out and had a great trip. I also had no where to stay at a days notice so I came prepared to camp out at GT but really hoped I didnt have too in the torrid weather we where having. Thank fully I ended up spending most of my nights on the couch in the ecology room free of charge and that was good. I soon managed to get myself a flat up there courtesy of a friend and this made me 7 weeks much more manageable.

The work in the Lakes for Dragonfly was amazing. I dont think I will ever have 6 or 7 weeks like that in my life again. I love living unpredictably and there was certainly lots and lots of this. The skills I got to learn and the people I got to meet was fantastic and actually getting to live in the lakes and losing that sense of been a visitor was undervalued at the time as I really missed the place once I had left.

The Gallery for 'The Hotel'.

In amongst the 7 weeks work in The Lakes was 'Red Rose'. I had originally been down to help on the week long camp but with the work I could only help out where and when I could but I think everyone will agree I took full advantage. Finally I had plenty of people I knew on my doorstep and I had a social life after a few weeks of almost social recluse. In truth I probably over did it in the beer and lack of sleep department but I got through it ok...just. Without doubt though one of the best moments of my life. For the whole week I didnt have a seconds rest and was always busy and having a great time. Quote of the week "How am I meant to drive when I cant stand up" which was said by me at about 4.30 am.

Ken Doll takes a rough landing.

After the work in the lakes I was soon back there on a bit of a holiday this time which was exactly what I needed at this point. On the first day we went for a walk. I took the group up and onto Striding Edge on Helvellyn, a route which I have done a few times before. The day was really nice for it and everyone seemed to have a really good experience. For everyone but me it was their first time scrambling and I think we only had one person who had any vertigo issues.

The next day of the trip we went to a small pebble beach next to Lake Windermere. Once we where bored of this a few of us went and played football on the grass a little further from the shore. After spending all afternoon there we set off for home when I asked one of the lads to chuck the ball up in the air so I could control it with my chest. As I went to do this my right foot gave way and I hit the deck in a rather embarrassing manner. I quickly jumped up in an attempt to save some pride and tried to run the pain off, about 50 meters down the path however I knew I was in trouble.

I genuinely thought I had broke my foot and as it turns out I had 'strained some tendons' in there instead. Great I thought, that cant be as bad as a break. But as I sit here and write this, over 11 weeks later, my foot is still in alot of pain from one of the stupidest things I have ever done. Moral of that story, dont be a show off.