Im sure the owners of Lidl are having a laugh.

A new post has been a long time coming and thanks to some convincing here is a new one.

My closest supermarket(small amount of emphasis on the word 'super' here) in London is Lidl. You all live relatively close to one as well but you never bother to go in because its completely wank. It carries the similar stigma that Aldi used too when I was a kid and you didn't want to be that kid. But to be honest with you I sometimes cant be fucked to walk all the way up to Ealing so I have to take a deep breath and just go for it.

It is as if the owners have never visited a normal supermarket. For starters, £1 for a trolley?? are you still that backwards Lidl? Kids don't knick trolleys anymore and head down the park to push their mates down hills, they are too busy playing online and taking crack. and who carries loose change round in this day in age? Put a chip and pin on that bad boy and ill be all over it.

Thankfully I don't need a trolley as I'm normally(and by that I mean ever) only shopping for one. So I head inside and look around for the baskets. Then I look a little harder. Then I head back outside to see if I missed them on my way in. Then I look up and see people assembling boxes they have brought with them or nicked by pouring some tomatoes on the floor. What the fuck is going on?

I don't have a box. What am I to do?

In my head I am already shrinking my shopping list into just enough that I can now carry round the shop. Eggs are out of the fucking question. So is glass anything. Did I point out I have actually agreed to carry my fucking shopping around the shop and then down the road?

I not only have to cross things off the Lidl wish list but I now also have to plan which items I am going to pick up first in order to be able to maximise my carrying ability. Fortunately Lidl help you out here by laying our their shop with no clear common pattern what-so-ever. So in reality you end up going around the shop back and fourth about 17 times and have to re pack your hand fulls at least twice and during all this faffing id of been to Ealing and half way back.

Lidl does have some plus sides though. It is filled with shit you thought you could really only get on holiday. Novelty foods such as decent bratwurst. If your a fan of curry as well their Balti cooking sauce is banging as are their wholemeal pittas. Don't be completely fooled by their little novelties though, you have not seen the cue yet.

AND WHAT A FUCKING QUE IT IS. Theres only ever two aisles open, no one speaks English and everyone is buying bloody loads. It is more tedious than the cues in Wilkos as at least there your items are in a basket and not wedged between your hands and your chin.

I don't even think the place is that cheap. Everyone is always harping on about how cheap it is but I just don't see it. I go there, not for the price, just to give myself a surreal experience on how life should not work and to occasionally scratch up on my Latvian. They do do cheap chicken breasts though.

To top it off, its normally raining when you get outside too. Great fun.

Hopefully the next one will not be in such long waiting.

Lewis x

P.S never buy the dodgy branded sausage and beans. I recently had a well bad craving for beans on toast and it was only after I got home and had eaten it did I realise the tin had 100% of may salt for the day in. 100% fucking percent. Is that shit even legal anymore?

The London Diet, Try it.

Heres my London based guide to weight loss.

Step 1 - You have to be the right type of fat.

So im not talking the type of person who wants to loose a few pounds before they go on holiday in anticipation of putting on a few whilst on holiday as this method is too radical for that. I am also not talking about people who are properly fat, like way fat, like huge. This method puts far too much pressure on your mind and body for you to be able to cope and you probably will die.

The type of people I am talking to is people who are maybe a stone to three stone overweight and are looking to shed that extra weight but still have the ability to move around freely and can see all their toes.

Step 2 - Load yourself with unmanageable amounts of debt.

There are many ways you can do this. My chosen option was to go to university and also take out the maximum overdraft I could whilst at university. I also chose to buy a car(all be it 2nd hand) on finance and just for that extra kick I am going to canada next year for three weeks which will cost about £2000 in total.

You can load yourself with debt in other more adventurous ways if you wish, such as, gambling, drug use, buy a house, have a baby... all of these would work but it needs to be a good solid amount so lets say atleast £30,000.

Step 3 - Get a job in London (probably the hardest step, as the first two are fun)

This can be any job but it needs to pay you a good amount of money but not a great amount. Lets say £15,000 a year for instance. Just enough to have old mr student loans knocking on your door.

Step 4 - Live about 2-3 miles from work.

Heres the weight loss key and were this whole diet really starts to come together. Living just far enough away from work so that it takes you somewere between 40 minutes to an hour to walk to work. The key here is WALK. You could get the bus, yes? NO, remember you have all the crippling debt and not alot of spare cash so the walking not only helps your weight but your wallet too.

Step 5 - Enjoy Life.

Enjoy your new surroundings, enjoy your new job, enjoy your weight loss. All in the comfort that you are (just) servicing your debts and you are getting a bit fitter in the process. You also dont really have to watch what you eat, I mean your walking five miles a day and all the debt means you dont really have any cash so how much bad stuff can you really afford t eat?

Conclusion - I hope that you enjoy trying to fit all these pieces together over the coming years and make sure you remember the debt, thats one of the key elements of the diet. A nice big debt. I really do think this diet can be as big as the atkins, and it will get more people back to work, and give more money to the banks, and stop people driving to work. This really is the diet the global crisis' we face today have been waiting for.

Lewis

A Turban a Day keeps the Racist away.

Been from the north and having spent three years in Carlisle(probably the most incomprehensibly racist place I have ever been, only second to Wigan) its fair to say I have been around my fair share of racist comments and general abuse.

Been in London is so different.

Every day since I have got here I must have heard atleast three different accents and come across so many different views and things I never really got to experience at home. I must say, im liking it. It adds a different feel too every day life.

Now im not going to sit here and say that I have never enjoyed racist jokes or ever been stereotypical and im not denying that it ever goes on but its just nice to see so many different people and so many different cultures and so many ways of life all getting along with life.

Someone should really explain to northern people who are scared of it all that its not too bad.

Lewis

Another stupid company name...

Holmes and Daughters Funeral Directors.

Surely no one who has been burying a daughter has ever used this funeral directors? Probably because they have burst out crying and started breaking down before they have even got through the door. Way too bring them feelings roaring back.

They are instantly cancelling out a quarter of their market here, idiots.

Daughters burying daughters is just weird.

Lewis

So you wanna work in a shop in London but your worried because you dont speak a word of the queens? Well dont be, because neither does anyone else.

I am liking my very descriptive titles for my blogs at the moment.

This recent one comes from yesterdays expedition to the shops in Ealing. Dont judge me on the shops I am about to describe, you would do the same in my financial circumstances.

So first, Wilkos, Cheap and Cheerful shop with the most agonisingly painfully long cues thats enough to make you contemplate going into Boots next door and buy everything you have in your basket for double the price. When I finally got to within three people of the front of the cue I started picking up on the conversations between the lady on the till and her current customer. Now this till lady was in way to happy of a mood which was obviously a false face that was put on to compensate for english been only, at a guess, her 4th or 5th language. I hate people who are too happy, it really fucks me off, especially when you know its bullshit as she is working in Wilkos. No one can be this happy all the time. To make things worse it was the only line out of all the tills with the option of buying a lottery ticket(another thing I hate, its only second to the premier league in giving stupid people millions of pounds for actually doing very little) so this women was also trying to get us to buy anything to do with the lottery, in which there are about 17 different fucking games she has to ask you about.

The women she was currently serving was English. I didnt work out what the till ladies nationality but judging by her broken accent it was anywhere east of Germany. A pointlessly painful conversation ensued.

The next person to be served had obviously realised what nationality the till lady was and had a fluent conversation(which to my anguish seemed to put her in an even happier mood that she had previously been) which thankfully ended all too swiftly. The women next and also infront of me was also from the same part of the world and they chatted away like the best of buddies.

Now it was my turn for the painstaking ordeal of trying to buy something in London when your only language is English. I said hello as happily as I could muster and refused her offer of a bag politely. She then went through the extensive list of lottery opportunities I had to turn down, by the end of it I sounded like I was been tortured "no, no, no, no, no". I then messed up the card payment about three times by putting the card in too early, which was annoying as she kept saying it was ready. I probably got charged loads of times and the money either went home to her family or to some underground wilkos based drug scene.

My next shop in me living the London Highlife was Iceland for some good old frozen chicken and that nice bread that needs baking for like 5 minutes before you eat it.

Since I knew what I wanted this was a rather painless ordeal and after a few minutes I was ready to join the cue. Which in truth was not hard to do, since from almost any point in the shop I could have turned 90 degrees and I would have, at some point, touched a part of the cue. A saturday afternoon in one of the cheapest places to buy food and theres only one small asian girl on the counters serving customers, shocking. It took me 2 minutes to get my things, it took me almost 15 minutes to get served. Unbelievable.

Although this girl was almost certainly English and there was none of the language barriers of the previous shop. She was actually quite good looking too. I seem to have a thing for Indian girls since moving to London. Looks like ill be buying more frozen chicken and bread.

Lewis

Thin bin bags piss me right off.

The title says it all really. For anyone who has to deal which such pathetic products on a daily basis like me will realise the truth in what I am saying. What is the point of making a bin bag when everytime I pick the little bastards up out of the bin they stay where they are and I just end up with two little rips of liner in my hands and no rubbish. Then to make things worse, when you do manage to coax the twats into coming out of the bin theres no bag left in which to tie a knott, so you end up doing it around your little finger with a knott so small its never going to hold... and it doesnt because as you go to pick it up it rips again and sits on the floor mocking you, probably about your weight.

If your going to trust your waste to such vessels then please do not buy waffer(if you want the correct pronunciation of waffer click here) thin bin bags. Buy the big thick heavy duty black bastards.

Lewis

Stupid names for companies and how it amuses me(atleast)

So, been doing alot of walking and alot of staring into space while driving and I have noticed a couple of really stupid names for companies, thought id share them with you...

First one - Access Self Storage.

Now this is a really shit name for a company which you are intending to trust your belongings too. In fact I would go as far as saying that the number one thing you would be looking for in a good self storage company would be the inability for anyone to access your stuff while your leaving it there. Otherwise, if accessibility is what you are after whilst you are on your 'year out' you might aswell just box it up and leave it on the street with a note on it saying 'fragile - handle with care'.

To make things worse, heres the logo

The box is fucking open on the logo!!!!! Who's been in my shit? Im sure I gaffered the bastard shut when I left it?

Fucking clueless some people. It really annoys me that someone got paid to do this shit.

Company 2 - General Demolition.

Fuck me, I think this one is worse. If ever in life you would like something to be specific, I assume it would be when your paying someone to demolish something. Just the meaning of the name is enough to make you shit yourself that something is going to go wrong.

I understand that the thinking behind it is probably meaning that they will demolish anything you pay them to do but for me the meaning just comes across all wrong. Im having visions of a man turning up with a sledge hammer and some explosives and using both to equal effect.

Their logo is nothing to be made fun at but they are a real company, you can see here, and a big company at that by the looks of things. Its amazing that they are so big yet no one has ever turned around and gone "mate, thats a shit name that".

Finally - shit advertising.

Theres a greggs in brentford near where I work and on a regular basis it teases me with its advertisements in the windows and smells of cakes and pies coming out the door, as if to say "come'ed fatty, weve got it all in here" but I have also noticed some really shit adverts in their collection too.

One of their signs says 'Greggs - Ready when you are'. I can assure you this is a lie. When im on earlies and im walking past at about 5.30 the stupid women is never fucking ready. After walking the 2 miles from home I am gagging for an apple turnover by the time I get there and she just mocks me with her look as she is placing the cakes in their stands for the days business. Whore.

The second thing I have picked up on is one of their adverts which says 'Greggs - The home of fresh baking' and accompanied a picture like this -

Now im no Delia Smith in the kitchen but even I know that isnt fucking baking. Thats making a sandwich. Thats getting some bread and filling it with tuna. You also not its not baked on site in the morning because its not got the texture of a fucking brick.

What they should have put along with this tuna sandwich is 'Greggs - NOT just the home of fresh baking'. Idiots.

Conclusion -

People in advertising are stupid.

N.B - Since the success of my viewing ratings since I put rude words in my tags I will be using that ploy again as thankfully there are enough weird men out there that google this shit.

Lewis

So, its been a while. BORING UPDATE BLOG.

Well, as the title suggests this will be a bit of an update blog so I am sorry if its a bit shit and drags on and on and on. I have been pressured into this a bit by the torrent of constant abuse from freeman to stop neglecting my blog.

So, if you have had your head up your arse for the last few months or I dont really talk to you anymore(wether that be a good thing or a bad) I am now living in London. This unprecedented turn around in my life came because someone was nice enough to give me a job which I could not afford to turn down. So at ten days notice my life was in a bag and luke and adams couch beckoned(for what turned out to be a lengthy stay).

My second night in London provided us all with the most bizarre evening. Luke wanted us all to go to this houseparty as he had a girl waiting for him who was 'in the bag' already(she was from wigan of all places) so we went along. When we got to the party I dont think any of us could believe it. There was five of us and seven of the hottest women ive ever seen in the same building. It was like someone was staging a reality tv show and we where the joke. The party promised good things but never delivered on any of them sadly as the girls almost certainly didnt drink enough.

My first few weeks of work and subsequent few weeks spent on my friends couch provided to be a really interesting and highly entertaining time. Including one of the unfittest games of football I have ever had the pleasure of playing in and some of the hottest conditions ive ever felt in England. Most of the players where hung over or half cut. I also got to experience 'Bodeans' American Grill restaurant which rob had talked about almost none stop since id been in London.

My last night at luke and adams was the night of the 'the hotel' wrap party which was taking place in Soho. I had to leave halfway through adams recording of 'mix gunna give it to ya' to head of into Soho to meet up with rob. I was already pretty drunk and rob was keen to play catch up so we tried to find an offie that would sell us some booze, failing this we found a japanese shop which sold me beer and rob saki. We abused some dutch guy who was looking for something for his cat and left. We stumbled upon duncan, who was already on his way to the wrap party and he was confused by our drunkeness. When we entered the wrap party we found out it was free booze, so we duly accepted the challenge to continue the reputation we had carefully built ourselves over the course of the previous summer... and that was to be complete and utter liabilities when drunk. I was in a bad way, about 30 minutes in, after all the greeting nonsense was out that way. I got a telling off from the barman for standing on a chair and trying to remove a fake budgie from its cage and halfway through the premier of the first episode I spilled my drink in the company of some pretty important people. We also got free food, which was excellant, and by the end of the night the women was just leaving the unfinnished trays next to me and rob. Dicking about aside though this was a pretty good evening and it was really good to get to see alot of people we had got to know quite well over the course of the shoot. It was nice to see everyone doing so well, shame John McClain couldnt be there.

I moved into my flatshare about two weeks ago now and its nice, im starting to feel at home. The people are nice and my room, although it felt weird at first is starting to feel alot more personal. The flat is pretty cool, its fairly big and has a pretty boss terrace at the back for bbqs and stuff.

I went home for a hectic weekend where I tried to see as many people as humanly possible. It started with a heated debate with the mother as she had packed all my shit into the loft and under my bed and couldnt tell me where any of it was. I have since been talked around by a certain someone that it is partially my fault and that I miss my mother, who would have knew?

I then proceeded to head to the lakes with olly and barry. I introduced them both to my inner desire to be a rally driver after I thrashed maddie around the back roads of GT which had olly(I noticed) gripped his doorside handle.

The gathering this year was good. I felt like I could never fully enjoy it knowing that id be cutting it in half but I still loved it. It was good to see so many people and especially when stubbs and rachel turned up on the saturday night unannounced, that was good. My personal highlight was the posters put up by ormskirk network, and the fact that people have started to like us but we still despise them. It was good to get out on the hill aswell and it made me realise it might be my last time in the lakes this year which is scary.

Today I got my keys at work, which is great, as it means im a full member of the team now pretty much. It also means however that I can now be victim to the same attacks in the balls the other kit room boys can, mainly by nik I imagine, so I need to be on guard for a few weeks I think. It feels good though to be gaining more responsibility, I just hope I dont fuck it up.

Sorry about this been a bit of a shit blog, I needed to get this out the way though so I can start writing about pointless funny shit again.

and to freeman, who is seemingly increasingly worried I am going to pick up southern traits. I think ill be ok freeman, I come across many people a day and hear many accents, but hardly any of them of british, let alone from the south. Ill have more chance of coming to your wedding sounding like I come from Lahore than I do London.

My tags should ensure this is not a bad blog for the ratings.

Lewis x

My New Favourite Blog/ damn you Barry!

So I have a new favourite blog. Its brilliant. The only downside to it is that I didnt come up with it. Well played Barry.

Please let one of them find out they are been mocked.

Click here to view.

Lewis

My Favourite 50 Beatles Songs.

So, after speaking a while back with Luke and Kyle in London on our way home from the Pub(we could not be arsed paying for the bus) we started talking about what songs would make our Top 50 ever Beatles songs. We pretty much discussed it all the way home and then never really mentioned it again.

The recently I have been hammering my Beatles albums more than ever. So I thought I would have a go at compiling my list. It was hard. I have actually been working quite alot for about a week.

Numbers 1-15 are in some sort of order but all 50 to me are great songs or they wouldn't be in the list. The First song on the list and the only one I am 100% sure of its position is 'In My Life' which is at Number one. It probably is my favourite song of all time, certainly my favourite song by Lennon.

So here it is:

1. In My Life – Rubber Soul – Lennon with McCartney

2. Revolution - Hey Jude(US) – Lennon

3. Helter Skelter – The Beatles – McCartney

4. Oh! Darling – Abbey Road - McCartney

5. Any Time At All – A Hard Days Night - Lennon with McCartney

6. The Night Before – Help - McCartney

7. Your Going To Loose That Girl – Help – Lennon

8. Im Happy Just To Dance With You – Help – Lennon and McCartney

9. Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me and My Monkey – The Beatles- Lennon

10. It Wont Be Long – Meet The Beatles – Lennon with McCartney

11. Two of Us – Let It Be – McCartney

12. Girl – Rubber Soul – Lennon

13. I Am The Walrus – Magical Mystery Tour – Lennon

14. Im Only Sleeping – Revolver – Lennon

15. I Want You(She's So Heavy) - Abbey Road – Lennon

16. Dont Let Me Down – Hey Jude(US) – Lennon

17. I Should Have Know Better – Hey Jude(US) – Lennon

18. You Wont See Me – Revolver – McCartney

19. Twist And Shout – Please Please Me – Russell

20. Come Together – Abbey Road – Lennon

21. Got To Get You Into My Life – Revolver – McCartney

22. All Ive Gotta Do – Meet The Beatles – Lennon

23. Eleanor Rigby – Revolver – McCartney with Lennon

24. Wait – Rubber Soul – Lennon and McCartney

25. I Me Mine – Let It Be – Harrison

26. The Long And Winding Road – Let It Be - McCartney

27. Get Back – Let It Be – McCartney

28. Hey Jude – Hey Jude(US) – McCartney

29. Drive My Car – Rubber Soul – McCartney with Lennon

30. Your Mother Should Know – Magical Mystery Tour – McCartney

31. If I fell – A Hard Days Night – Lennon with McCartney

32. Back In The U.S.S.R – The Beatles – McCartney

33. Another Girl – Help – McCartney

34. You've Got To Hide Your Love Away – Help – Lennon

35. Roll Over Beethoven – With The Beatles – Berry

36. Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band - “ - McCartney

37. A Day In The Life – Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band – Lennon with McCartney

38. Nowhere Man – Rubber Soul – Lennon

39. If I Needed Somebody – Rubber Soul – Harrison

40. For No One – Revolver - McCartney

41. We Can Work It Out – 1962-1966 – McCartney with Lennon

42. From Me To You – 1962-1966 – Lennon and McCartney

43. Something – Abbey Road – Harrison

44. Maxwells Silver Hammer – Abbey Road – McCartney

45. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds – Sgt. Peppers – Lennon

46. Norwegian Wood – Rubber Soul – Lennon with McCartney

47. While My Guitar Gently Weeps – The Beatles – Harrison

48. And Your Bird Can Sing – Revolver – Lennon

49. Eight Days A Week – The Beatles VI - Lennon and McCartney

50. I Need You – Help – Harrison

There are many other songs I would love to have put in here but then it would not have been a challenge to make the list.

What do people think? Have I missed out your favourite? and have I put in some rubbish? Please Discuss.

Things this has taught me is that Lennon is my favourite writer of the lot but actually McCartney was not as far behind as expected. Harrison wrote some quality songs and Ringo Starrs songs are shite.

My favourite album is Rubber Soul closely followed by revolver.

So I leave you with this speech from 'Live at the BBC' involving most of the band. Enjoy

Lewis

Dont you just love awkward situations?

I have just got in from walking up to the shops to collect my mums blood money(keep) from the cash machine in the village when on the way back I noticed I was walking just ahead of a neighbour of mine who lives at the top of our road.

I know him fairly well for a neighbour and we talk quite often when we see each other and we also recently, with some other people from the street, spent the whole day smashing and clearing ice off our road.

However I was still a good five or six minutes away from my house and I didnt have that much material in which to talk to him about so I quickened my pace.

It was to no avail, as he is quick. I could hear him catching me but I daren't turn around for fear of having to engage in conversation. So as the tension cranked up and he could not have been more than a few feet behind me he turned off into the first entrance into our estate. 'Thank Christ' I thought now I have everted that situation.

Although I hadn't.

Because now I had the shorter route back to our road and he had the faster walking pace. So much faster infact that I was almost certain that he would be able to do his route in roughly the same time as it would take me to do mine and we would meet at the corner of the bottom of our street.

So I deflected of my normal route in favour of a slightly longer route in hope that this would bring me just behind him going up the road and I would get away with the whole situation. It wasn't even about not talking to him now, it was about the fact that quite obviously on two occasions I had opted out of the fastest route to my house in order to not have to walk side by side with this fellow.

As I was coming up the bottom of my road, from my diverted route, there he was. Heading straight for the corner of our street and would get there at exactly the same time that I would. I clocked him, he clocked me. We where pretty much starring at each other and I just started to laugh as I am awful at keeping a straight face.

"I was having a personal race against you then" I quickly made up.

"Yeah I walk fast" he beamed, "4 and a half miles an hour, I like to keep fit"

Jesus, I thought, out paced by a pensioner.

Lewis

A Highland Hogmanay Adventure.

Over the holidays we continued our annual assault on some wintery mountains in Scotland(even though this was my first year of the three due to critical levels of funds, which where only marginally better this christmas) only to find that quite a big thaw had set in which left little amounts of snow and bullet hard ice. Which was nice(shit rhyme).

Me, matt, fonzie, freeman and mathers where on all aboard the love trains for what promised to be one hell of a sexy week. Me and The Fonz where heading up a day late however to ensure we got to ride in the bitching Audi. Our destination was the Inchree centre for we had booked ourselves a chalet for the five nights. On the journey up where were listening to Papa Fonzies Ipod and this proved to be quite fruitfull in what it delivered. There was probably no more than 6 or 7 albums on the Ipod which consisted of love song combinations, one hit wonder compilations and NOW's from the oldschool. I think my favourite song of the journey was on our last leg home when we found this beaut. I fucking loved this.

"we can dance, we can dance, Everybody look at your hands" Brilliant.

When me and Fonz had arrived the rest of them where still out on the hill and we had to ask for a spare key at reception. This was bad because there was 5 of us and there was only meant to be 4 in a chalet. So we had to be covert. Since we had to be covert I thought it would be best if the trained assassin that is Fonzie would be the right person to go in and get the job done, since if shit did go down he could get rid of everybody in a flash. So anyway, im waiting outside in the cold, in dashing distance of the bushes incase it goes tits up and all of a sudden the door opens and out comes fonzie. Just as I am halfway through saying "well done fonzie" a blond women follows him out. "Fuck, he's pulled already" I thought... worse, it was the women who had the key and fonzie had offered her a lift up to her flat, the dark horse. So now theres me, fonzie and blond women in the car going up to her flat, when she pipes up "isnt there 4 people in there alreadt?" she was wrong and this made it easier to lie. She was also foreign so could not sense our lies.

Our first day on the hill(which turned out to be my only day on the hill) proved eventful. If you want to read a better write up of this than mine is going to be then check out this. We headed over towards Creise and had to negotiate some tricky frozen rivers which was fun. We then spotted an ice route on the way that had matt nursing a semi and he said he would have to come back and do it someday as it did look pretty spectacular. The rest of them then had a play on some ice and after a lot of abuse and persuasion they managed to make me put my crampons on and go and join them. It took me about five minutes just to move as I was completely shitting myself. Soon enough though we where heading up snow slopes which was fine by me.

We then (against my will) headed up the originally intended route which was a grade 3. It started with an ice pitch, which as we have now established is my favourite. In truth it wasn't too bad, until about half way up I fell off. I fell about 2 meters and was left dangling for about 5 minutes before I mustered the strength to get up and carry on, which was interesting. But actually I enjoyed it when I looked back. We then proceeded to walk down the nice easy gully I had my eye to go up in the first place, which was interesting. Again however this was no where near as bad as I thought it would be.

I did take another tumble(or two) on the way down and knew I had hurt my foot and ankle but wasn't sure how bad. Turns out when we finally got back to the chalet that things where very swollen around that area which was not good. Did mean however that I got to spend the rest of the trip drinking and eating, which is a favoured past time of mine.

The next day was a complete write off for everyone as we where all trashed so we headed into Fort William for an afternoon watching matt contemplating spending his fathers money and mainly sitting in pubs. We had to head back in good time though as we had guests coming that evening and we still needed to cram in a man session whilst we watched RED.

Later on that evening Charly and Phil turned up in the passion wagon to pay us a visit. I was making chilli and they had brought snacks. They also abused our shower. We then watched the 'ruder, cruder, nuder' version of 'sex drive'. Earlier in the day us 5 had watched the normal version and liked it so much we where now going to watch the extended version. You know its going to be good when at the start the director comes on the screen and says "please dont watch this if you have not seen the original as this is not a film, its trash for fans".

That night fonzie got some battle scars on his forehead when he went outside and butted some ice because he is hard. He also said he learnt his lesson.

Cant really remember many details so ill cut straight to new years eve. We went to a hotel down the road and situated ourselves in the bar for some food. We quickly noticed that everyone else had dressed up and that maybe this would not be our sort of evening. This was until we all got smashed and then them worried quickly drifted away.

It was honestly the best new years eve I can remember and I had so much fun. Doing a Ceilidh was so good even though they wanted to do it like five times and I wanted them to play the beatles. I also spent a large portion of my evening speaking to some old people on the table behind me which was good as they where actually interested in some pretty cool stuff. Talked about The Editors alot and how good they are live.

One of the funniest things that happened that night was matt and mathers locking themselves in the boot of mathers' car. It took us three ages to find them and I had to phone matt and mathers was like "we are in the boot". How the hell that happened I dont know.

The 1st was a write off. The only thing we messed up on was not finding the BBQ until after we had already decided not to BBQ which was a let down as we had all remembered our shorts and flip flops. Although I did forget my gloves... bummer.

On the last dat we got up fairly early so that the others could go ice climbing. Me with my foot still killing stayed with the cars and read 185 or so pages of The Stigs autobiography which was actually quite good although I skipped through some of the earlier background chapters to get straight to the good shit.

In the end the trip was fantastic but it was just a shame I busted my foot, although to be honest I was no where near as fit as I should have been. We got a good balance though of some good days on the hill and some good social downtime which really made it feel more like a holiday.

Highlights where:

The man salad.

The phantom shit.

Sex Drive.

Frozen Turf.

Men with hats.

A bottle of house red - £12.99.

Texting 'TIGER1' to 70099.

The downsides where:

Steep Ice.

There will be alot of imperfections with this blog, im tired, deal with it.

Lewis

Stop going the Gym, you look like a Twat (feel free to hit me)!

Now, before this rant commences. Let me start by saying that I in no way have the perfect body, far from it infact. So much so that if I were a women, my dark hair, brown eyes, slender legs, tight arse, big nipples and even bigger boobs would probably be quite desirable. Sadly I am a man however and I must shelve that dream for later life(huh what?).

But in a more serious note I really think I suit the way I am. I mean I am that generic happy on the outside, manically depressed on the inside kind of fat bloke that everybody loves to have as a friend because 'their so funny' or 'always smiling'. So what should change?

I also sometimes wonder that if I did loose that couple of stone that my GP almost certainly believes I should then I would look like them odd blokes that arnt neither here nor there. Kind of drifting around in a world of fashion obscurity where their chests are left to protrude out of t's with an M slapped on them. The sort of people that go into Topman, see the mannequin and think 'yeah, thats for me' until they get home and try it on infront of the mirror and then hope that no one notices nothing fits. Skinny jeans on a fat bloke makes you look like your mum put your clothes in the wash with you in them and turned the heat up for a laugh. Classic example of these are often fat gay men, they love doing this shit.

So, to my original point of the post. People who hammer the gym.

In fairness to people who like to keep fit, I should narrow my insults down. When I say 'gym' I mean 'weights and steds'. I mean to cause no offence and hold only the highest respect for people who can actually be arsed to run every day.

Now that my focus has been corrected to 'people who hammer the weights, steds and the sunbed', Stop It! You look like a Twat!

Also, sweatpants are gay! Unless your at home or in the gym. Not in public you faggots.

Lewis

Everyone is stupid and that almost certainly includes me and you!

Does anyone else get the urge to but members of the public based purely on their appearance?

Tonight I went for what would seem, on paper, to be an unassumingly uneventful pre-christmas shopping trip with my father and sister. We where going to The Trafford Centre(which I now believe to be a mecca for all things loony) with a journey that usually takes about 40 minutes.

It didnt.

Infact it took us closer to two hours and yet peoples willingness and resolve did not falter, we where all determined to shop. The three of us started our evening with some food and thankfully my dad paid. Me and him had curry and my sister had some fries and a mcflurry(together). The curry was alright.

We then split up to go shopping with me going one way and them two going another. I should probably point out at this point that my phone has given up and ceased to function so I am un contactable. We set up a meeting place(outside selfridges) and a time 7.30(one hour from now). "Good" I thought, I will be well and truly shopped out by then.

I started my perusing with a clean slate. I had no idea what I wanted and could never of guessed I would end up not buying anything, infact, not even been interested in anything I saw. The apple shop didnt interest me and hmv had the biggest que known to man.

I decided to go to my favourite clothes outlets but they too where awful. I was walking around looking at people in chequered shirts and hats, looking at chequered shirts and hats. I was annoying. Everyone looked the same. Hairdressers around the uk must be so bored.

Barber "and what would you like today sir"

Prick " What he just had"

Barber " thrilling"

Walking down the aisles of different shops ( H&M, Burtons, Next etc) was like been stuck in an old episode of Scooby Doo but where they were stuck in a clothes store running past the same pissing backgrounds been chased by chavs in disguise(ie jeans and henleys) ! You cant polish shit, chavs. We are onto you!

And where do I begin with the women in there tonight? Jesus! Most of them looked like they where trying to imitate what Lady Gaga would have looked like if she had a head on collision with Asia(the continent not the band) and was then 'had a go on' by some vandal clowns in a backstreet ally in Amsterdam. Disgusting.

The men where no better. I have never seen so many muscly, tight topped, orange men in all my life. If you where to run a hundred yards away and turn around they would look like an angry umpa lumpa routine on steds. You can literally feel yourself getting stupider the longer you spend around these people.

One example I got the pleasure of seeing first hand was when I went to purchase some pepsi max from one of the kiosks. I had already purchased my pepsi max and I was about to turn around and leave when I noticed this wally. He was looking straight at a bottle of lucazade(original not orange, thats important) and you could see him trying to muster the words. In your best thick manc accent if you please :

Wally : Mate, can I have some orange(notice no manners)

Attendant : Yeah sure

Attendant then gets out a bottle of ORANGE FLAVOURED TANGO and presents it to the wally.

Wally : No, Orange!

Attendant : what?

Wally : Orange!

Attendent : This is Orange

Wally : I want the lucazade!

Attendent : oh, there you go!

etc etc

So said wally could only muster the colour of the bottle, he could not process the fact that there where other drinks that where orange on offer, or the fact that the drink he did order, in no way, tastes of oranges.

It seems like there is a running theme in idiots lives. Orange! Which is a shame because my favourite colour is orange but dont hold that against me.

I dont know how I am going to do my christmas shopping now as been around society genuinely stresses me the fuck out. I cant stand it when people try to be just like everybody else. Its just plain boring and annoying. I also dont like how scummy stupid people are allowed to buy normal clothes, they should have to wear tags or have leprosy.

Looks like in 2011 I will be mostly wearing the same clothes I wore in 2010. Which is funnily enough pretty much the same clothing I was wearing 07-09 too.

God I hate you people!

Lewis

Ash's 35th Birthday weekend in Boot!

Ash had booked us all a bunkhouse in Boot for his birthday and everything was set for a really good weekend. I mean, good friends, beer and whiskey, curry and the lakes, whats not to like about that?

Traffic, thats what, The bastard.

The second bastard of the weekend was undoubtably matt forshaw, who cannily suggested 'you might aswell go through preston once you have left mine'. It normally takes 45 pissing minutes to get to Lancaster from ours, it took me, Keir and Freeman almost two hours.

Once we finally arrived in boot at 8.30(I had been on the go since half past friggen 3) we made it to the pub just in time to get some food. Maddies passengers had been drinking for most of the journey so it was now my turn to play catch up, which always ends badly for me. A cumberland sausage baguette and a couple of pints later however I was in the zone and had totally forgot I was meant to be pissed off.

Before I go on anymore about this evening and indeed the whole weekend I should probably come up with how I think it was all defined. For me, the weekend has to be defined as 'pre band' and 'post band' and this was without doubt the turning point.

So, I was becoming gooned, so was everyone else, then the beat kicked in. I cant even remember the song but I knew there was only one other person in the room who it would have been effecting. I turned round, and there he is, wide eyed and letting his crotch lead him to the dance floor. There was no going back now.

Suddenly the whole pub was rocking(or it seemed to us it was) and this was only intensified when whitesnake came on. This band was awesome and they just kept playing classic after classic. We think at somepoint they played 'johnny be good(can someone confirm)' but who knows as we where to far gone at this point. I remember the lead singer gave me the mic and I cant remember what I sung but I probably murdered it.

We also continued our (becoming)tradition of shouting 'lionel' in between every song until they play lionel. Now in the past, this often doesnt work as no one loves lionel quite as much as we do but the lead singer of this band played along. He simply said 'hello' when it was quiet. Thats all we needed for a rendition of the chorus.

I also remember people buying us drinks, this was almost certainly awesome.

My mind from this point onwards in the evening goes a little sketchy and it only really comes back about 8 am the next morning when I wake up starring mike 'the nige' nolan straight in the face with the impending urge to be sick. I knew that I had to get up. Now, for anyone who witnessed me that morning, I looked ill but you don't know the half of it. This was probably the worst I have felt after drinking alcohol for a few years if not ever.

Thankfully west country convinced me to come on the 'culture' day out (as I had sacked off the walking, which hilariously keir continued with) , so me, Phil, Charly, Fonzie and Tom headed out to the west coast. I do not like driving when feeling sick and tom had lied when he said it was 10 minutes away. But we eventually got to St. Bees and it was alright, especially for west cumbria.

After a walk down the beach my hangover was wearing off and my apatite was coming on strong. So we headed into a cafe. West country got insulted when she asked for a scone with cream and jam and they gave her whipped cream and not clotted. I thought it was hilarious. I ordered a 35p can of energy drink and one of the dearest beans on toast that are currently been sold in mainland england. All this because they could only fry my eggs, not scramble them like I had asked for.

We then moved onto Ravenglass for some more beaches and roman culture(much to Fonzies disliking). I personally loved the roman bath house and thought it was awesome. As nice as ravenglass and the surrounding area was, my biggest issue with that coast is pretty much everywhere you look you can see sellafield, and thats a shame, as it looks shit.

We then moved onto Muncaster Castle, which I personally had high hopes for as I had been planning to go there for a while. They have a castle and owls, I couldnt see how the place could be anything but completely awesome. Well sadly, it was wank. The castle was closed and the owls(it turns out) dont like the cold so the shows are all canceled. And all of this you could have for the mere price of £6. Sod that.

On our way home, again to Fonzies disliking, Tom decided to take us by another roman fort. This time on Hardknott pass. This fort was so much better than the last one and for me was the highlight of the day. I loved it.

That night the couple charnock had teamed up to make the best night of curry ever. There was even enough that when we got in from the pub we could all have some more(infact I was still eating it at about 4am)

Matt quickly set out the rules for the evening again by stating that we had to be the last two people to go to bed. For about the 6th weekend in a row we completed this. Sadly Fonzie joined us in our last man standing final but thats because he was sleeping down stairs on the chairs.

The next morning was a rough start again.

Freeman was keen to get home for the southport game so he could watch it in a pub. We made it as far as lancaster. With matt residing in lancaster we thought that finding a pub with the football on would be relatively easy. That is until we remembered matt does not like the football and drinks in wine bars with a shirt on.

For about 30 minutes we wandered aimlessly around lancaster looking for a pub. He kept pointing out wine bars and 'classy' joints, or indian restaurants, none of which show FA cup football.

We finally found one which at first he hesitated at as the reputation was not good for students. The second we walked in I could see why, fuck me it was rough. No one in their liked us. Thank fully however me and Keir and even to a degree martin could blend in. As for matt, I have never seen someone look so middle class in my life as he did.

6 goals in 12 minutes, epic football, unlucky southport!

The weekend could not be finished off without a good feast. This feast came in the form of The Colonel. He is really setting me straight at the moment. No matter how much of a mess I am, no matter how much of an arse I have made out of myself that weekend, I always know where I stand with The Colonel. He never lets me down.

Quote of the weekend - "are you going to molest me?"

Defining moment of the weekend - The arrival of Eric Clapton

Sorry for the sloppy blog, it was a sloppy weekend.

ONMAS 2010

ONMAS 2010 was a camp ran by Ormskirk Network to Snowdonia in North Wales. The weekend was ran as our linking event for the year with the Explorer Scouts. The organising was mostly done by me(recruitment and booking) and Forshaw(logistics and mountain stuff). The weekend was based around the idea of DESA which was a camp that used to run a few years ago aimed at getting explorers out on adventurous activities.

When we arrived on the friday night it was like a tornado was brewing outside. There was thankfully a old rickity shed near by for us to shelter behind, but this only added to suspense that we where fast becoming engrossed in a horror/disaster movie.

Although the ten minute walk was a complete ballache in these conditions I actually think it was a great experience to look back on(definitely type 2 fun). The walk made sure we all had a story to bond over and something to laugh about together as a group and there was a real sense of togetherness, once we had all got dry and warm of course.

The bunkhouse was almost everything we wanted it to be. It was really nice, really secluded and there was a real sense of wilderness which where big ticks for us. Sadly we had problems with the heating over the weekend but I certainly think it was still more than enough for what we needed.

On the saturday we knew the weather was going to be horrendous. So we all decided to take a walk up Mount Snowdon. The walk would involve us walking in two groups(fast and slow apparently) and set off up the pyg track, onto the top, and then down directly to the bunkhouse. Everyone seemed to have a good day and really made the most of the conditions. We also got some snow and hail which was nice, a telling fact that winter is on its way. I dont know what to make of the new Snowdon summit cafe however, it was a bit posh and really took some shine off the summit proper for me. It was ice to get warm and dry though. Like posh Alps but in Wales.

Saturday night we had some good food and one of the hottest fires I have ever sat near. The coal was definitely a good idea. The Bunkhouse was boiling that night which I think is what we all needed. The only downside was my throat was sore for about a week after due to all the smoke.

Sunday the weather was much better and we got to go and do our planned mass assault on Tryfan. We split into three groups this time and we would all take slightly different routes up Tryfans North Ridge. Our initial plan was to try and all meet up on the summit for photos but we never really thought the chances of that would be likely. However just before we got to the final climb to the top, all three groups met up and managed to get to the summit as one big group which was really a great moment for the trip. For the people who had never climbed Tryfan before the mountain seemed to have them pumped and fully caught up with the big mountaineering day bug(which was the intent) for me, it just had me shattered. Summit photos over we all made our way down to the bus and got ourselves on the road.

As a final and true ending to the trip we managed to spread the word of a KFC nearby to all three of the vehicles, just in time so that we could all pull over and have a group KFC. This was by far my highlight of the weekend. Emma Cairns tried KFC for the first time, Andy and Jacob destroyed a bucket between them, Charles(insisting he doesnt like chicken) at KFC on a network trip for the second time and me, Barry and Matt had a side of Chicken with our Chicken.

All in all a great weekend was had by all. We ticked most of our boxes we had set out to tick(all but break even really) and I am sure it will go on to be a bigger and better weekend next year.

Thanks must go to Ken Spencer for doing the Catering and Mini Bus driving and Julie and Andy for assisting Matt on the hill with their tickets.

The group posing outside the Bunkhouse.

Best Two Months Ever/ A New Way Of Life?

September and October has probably the busiest Scouting schedule of the year and this year I think we took full advantage. This post will be annoying as they all probably should have been separate blogs in themselves and therefore I am going to have to skim over some details. Sorry.

Starting with Connected 2010. For me this was the Birth of our new Network for Ormskirk. There was 105 people in attendance on the weekend and 35 of them where from Ormskirk and we started to state our dominance early on the friday night with heavy drinking.

Sticking to our roots of not really getting involved in anything County we quickly established our own area on the campsite and proceeded to tear up the occasion. After having the first drunk person dancing on stage we quickly moved onto murdering every classic song there has ever been on the karaoke and even managed to liaise with The St. Helen Network lot.

On the saturday people got out and did a number of quality activities, personally however I sobered up and went the football. What a game, Everton 3-1 down with 2 minutes of extra time to go and we drew 3-3! I enjoyed my drive back down the 62 with all the united fans. When I got back we started on the mother of all drinking sessions that started with a bottle of vino before 5pm. My moment for the weekend has to be me and matt being the last two people to bed and going through an un holy amount of wine sitting in the rain. It was a fantastic weekend.

Fonzie had a good time at Connected.

A few days later I got a phonecall with an offer of some more television work. This time down in London. I quickly booked myself a first class return ticket and went down. Thankfully Adam and Luke had said I could come and stay with them which was good because I had not seen them in a long time. It was good to catch up. We played alot of fifa and ate too much pizza.

The work was really good. I had stepped up from been a runner in my last job to the role of tech assist in this one. The show is going to be called 'the modelling agency' and it will be on channel 4 in the new year.

The Gathering 10 was without doubt the best Gathering I had ever been on. I am really getting more out of scouting from helping that I ever did as a participant. I did some awful things on the Gathering this year, like drink a bottle of expensive wedding present wine, and eat Ken Spencers fairly expensive cheese(even though I am not too keen on cheese) but neither of these will be my lasting memory from this weekend. This award goes to Fonzie for his epic serving hatch stunt.

Dave Ridouts Final Walk was a big BIG weekend for me. Dave Ridout was a massive influence on my life and someone who I know I am going to miss. Saying that though, what an chance for everyone to come together and remember this great person. We all met in the pub the night before, drank whiskey, told stories and generally reminisced(and offended minorities). The walk the next day was a good one, one I had never done before, culminating in Daves ash's been scattered on top of Pillar Rock(his last unclimbed mountain in England and Wales). Me Matt and Jesus carried Dave up the mountain in Matts rucksack, taking turns. The day was emotional and hard on everyone but there was a real sense of achievement and satisfaction at the end.

The guys a top of Pillar, ready to scatter Dave's ashes.

There have been many more telling events of these last few months but I really feel like I am rambling on now and its getting boring.

The big thing to come out of these events though its a new way of life for me and other certain members of my close friends. This new way of life is faster, drinks harder, sleeps less, abuses more and is becoming compulsive/addictive.

An Interesting (all be it moist) Summer

So, my blog has been rather neglected as my last post was in March. The reason for this started out as me been to busy and then rapidly descended into me been far too lazy.

So therefore these next few blogs(that I aim to knock out in double quick time) will be sloppy and more of a catch up of my life since March, rather than a quick witted update of my weekly doings.

I called this blog 'an interesting summer' and thats because it probably was the most interesting I have ever had. It started out with me putting the final pieces together on a 10 day long trip to the alps that had been a while in the with Matt. That was until I got home after work and was sitting watching South Park when I got a phone call that changed everything.

Dragonfly TV where on the phone and wanted me to start working for them straight away on the recommendation of a friend that was already working for them. This was it, a chance for a foot into the TV industry door, but first I had a lot to deal with.

I was upset at having to let Matt down for missing the alps trip but it could not be helped and thankfully he understood and still went out and had a great trip. I also had no where to stay at a days notice so I came prepared to camp out at GT but really hoped I didnt have too in the torrid weather we where having. Thank fully I ended up spending most of my nights on the couch in the ecology room free of charge and that was good. I soon managed to get myself a flat up there courtesy of a friend and this made me 7 weeks much more manageable.

The work in the Lakes for Dragonfly was amazing. I dont think I will ever have 6 or 7 weeks like that in my life again. I love living unpredictably and there was certainly lots and lots of this. The skills I got to learn and the people I got to meet was fantastic and actually getting to live in the lakes and losing that sense of been a visitor was undervalued at the time as I really missed the place once I had left.

The Gallery for 'The Hotel'.

In amongst the 7 weeks work in The Lakes was 'Red Rose'. I had originally been down to help on the week long camp but with the work I could only help out where and when I could but I think everyone will agree I took full advantage. Finally I had plenty of people I knew on my doorstep and I had a social life after a few weeks of almost social recluse. In truth I probably over did it in the beer and lack of sleep department but I got through it ok...just. Without doubt though one of the best moments of my life. For the whole week I didnt have a seconds rest and was always busy and having a great time. Quote of the week "How am I meant to drive when I cant stand up" which was said by me at about 4.30 am.

Ken Doll takes a rough landing.

After the work in the lakes I was soon back there on a bit of a holiday this time which was exactly what I needed at this point. On the first day we went for a walk. I took the group up and onto Striding Edge on Helvellyn, a route which I have done a few times before. The day was really nice for it and everyone seemed to have a really good experience. For everyone but me it was their first time scrambling and I think we only had one person who had any vertigo issues.

The next day of the trip we went to a small pebble beach next to Lake Windermere. Once we where bored of this a few of us went and played football on the grass a little further from the shore. After spending all afternoon there we set off for home when I asked one of the lads to chuck the ball up in the air so I could control it with my chest. As I went to do this my right foot gave way and I hit the deck in a rather embarrassing manner. I quickly jumped up in an attempt to save some pride and tried to run the pain off, about 50 meters down the path however I knew I was in trouble.

I genuinely thought I had broke my foot and as it turns out I had 'strained some tendons' in there instead. Great I thought, that cant be as bad as a break. But as I sit here and write this, over 11 weeks later, my foot is still in alot of pain from one of the stupidest things I have ever done. Moral of that story, dont be a show off.

Fantastic Mr Fox was, well, Brilliant

I thought my favourite animated film of 2009 was 'up' by a long way. That was until I had the pleasure of watching 'Fantastic Mr Fox'.

I love watching films when you expect very little from them and they surprise you. When this film was released no one really cared, it didn't get people talking and it certainly didn't make me want to watch it. And after Clooneys oscar nominated performance in 'up in the air' I had fully had enough of him and didn't really want to like it.

After about two or three minutes of it however I was completely sold. The stop start animation is a breath of fresh air away from the over perfected 3D animation we have become almost immune to now and the story is just compelling. I am not going to sit here and compare it to the book, as I hate people that do that. Do you know how much harder it is to make a film than it is to write a book? and also, the only reason it was not as good as the book was because the director selfishly chose not create the film exactly how you had imagined it in your stupid little head.

Back to the film, Clooney is actually pretty funny. In fact, this film is one of the funniest and most charming films I have seen in years. The humour in it would go way over childrens heads and I am not at all surprised it did not get that well talked of at the time. It never seemed to be given a proper chance. One of the funniest things about the film is that they have replaced the word 'fuck' with the word 'cuss'. Although you would never notice it but the word 'cuss' is said so much that taken with a different mindset this film would have got much more than its PG rating.

The animation coupled with the humour in the film makes this truly one of my favourite animated films of all time. I cant wait to buy it and watch it again.

I have a Blog

Well, after viewing a pretty impressive blog and spending a good portion of my evening last night talking about them, today I have made one. I guess its a good way to vent my opinions that no one will care about.

With this been my first ever post I will give a bit of background on my last few weeks. I have been car-less now since december and it is doing my head in. For those people who don't drive, you will never realise what it is like to lose that from your life. For a few months now I have felt lost. Hopefully this will get sorted in the next few days though and my life can resume, I mean there is so much snow about at the moment and I don't have anything to get me to it.

I have also entered that last stages on my university life. I have been working on my dissertation and we have one practical assignment to do and that is me done. 'into the real world' as my parents like to constantly remind me. This prospect scares me and I have been scouring graduate job websites since I recently woke up and thought 'bugger'.

So as I sit here writing this pretty pointless and aimless first blog I am agitated by my lack of car but satisfied enough with my new haircut. I am heading back to university tomorrow and then hopefully at the weekend going on my first of four weekends away in the next six. This should be good as I have been itching to get back out into the hills since snow and ice and I hear alot of things are still looking good.

This picture sums up my last few weeks -